Games reviews, eh? Not worth the bandwidth they're, um, printed on. Or something. The last month has been a particularly good time for fanboys to froth at the mouth at games reviewers. There was God of War 3 'only' getting nines out of ten, people being derided for criticising Heavy Rain on the grounds of it not being all that great all the time in terms of actual game mechanics, and most hilariously, Edge's 5 out of ten score on Final Fantasy 13 being down to a xenophobic conspiracy.

For the most part, those responsible for the reviews did as they are wont to do- laugh it all off and ignore the deranged rantings. That people get so wound up over reviews however, speaks to some problems gaming media has in presenting itself. Here are a few:
Reviews are subjective- now go and buy this 9.75 rated game.
'A review is just an opinion', whines the game journo at people unhappy with his criticism. Well, that's as maybe, but a review score isn't. It seems that websites try and outdo each other by having ever more scientifically finely calibrated scoring systems. Marks out of ten for graphics sound and the ever unexplainable 'gameplay' combine to give a number that those who know better is plucked finely from the reviewer's rear but is presented in such a way as to say 'yes, we have inputted all these elements into our review algorithmic-o-tron and have come up with this definitive empirical number.'
It seems as if in recent years the percentage score has fallen by the wayside in favour of an out of ten system, which seems fine (lower resolution of scores should lead to less nitpicking in theory- more room for argument that the review's subjective) until decimal points just have to be added, meaning you're still looking at percentiles by another name. Even sites that rank out of five can't resist giving games half and quarter stars For crying out loud people, if we have to have scores, either give us a straight out of five star rating like a movie review, or acknowledge how ridiculous the entire concept is and review games out of a thousand a la old 80's UK magazine Zero (laughable projected lasted interest graph optional).
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Five out of ten is average
No, it bloody isn't. It should be, but its not. For as long as people have complained about review scores, magazines and websites have adopted the handy dandy legend to explain what each rating means from excellent through average down to poor. This, you see, helps you understand that review scores are scientifically considered and accurate. Despite their being opinion. Ow, my brain. Thing is, by the definition of average quality, an outlet's review scores should center about a mean of five, while in reality most means are closer to seven. Hooray, everyone's a winner! Look how many well above average games we have! Five out of ten is not an 'average' score because no-one uses the full range. How many 9.5 rated games have you read reviews for as opposed to 0.5 rated ones?

We play every game through until its conclusion
Ah, now to get to the meat of things. The games press is full of lazy, inefficient good for nothings. Why, just think about how much you contribute to the igns of this world by looking at some annoying flash advert before being taken to their site. How do they spend this revenue? By playing games for hours on end instead of writing about them! Forty hours of gameplay go into a review that takes all of a few minutes to write, praising an epic RPG for its last ten hours (since it's the last thing the writer remembers). A ten hours, you Mr. Average Consumer, will never reach because you will have barely got through a ball achingly dull opening before taking the game back to the shop in exchange for Let's Dance.
Just think what would happen if Activision head Bobby Kotick were in charge of all gaming media. It'd be a well oiled machine! Reviewers would be whipped day in and day out to produce critiques as fast as possible to the slavering masses. Forget playing a game through until the end- reviewers would base a games score purely off an Amazon consumer review, the box art and the first video that came up when searching for the title on youtube. Hey, that sounds like an idea..
Resonance of Fate/ End of Eternity (ps3)

The Japanese box art shows our heroes gazing up in wonder at spectacular structures floating in the sky. It is unclear at this juncture whether these structures are what lies in wait at the end of an eternity. The name suggests a good long play through, so let's add, oh, 65 points for longevity. Onto the US box art:

One hero has a moody expression on his face as he shoots something off to our right. His friend in the red jacket appears to be cheering him on, though with a slightly dour expression on his face and spiky hair on his head. Guns and haircuts? This is a Japanese 'stylish action' game then. Good-o. Plus forty two points. A female character lingers at the bottom of the box, appearing to wipe a strand of drool of her chin. Plus an additional two points for giving the opportunity to write a 'Resonance of Fate? Resonance of heroin chic more like' strapline.
Onto Amazon reviews. That's where the real criticism lies. Dark Dreams has played six hours of the US version. He gives it five stars, which is an automatic addition of fifty points to the review score, but goes on to explain it's not a 'stylish action' game at all, but a JRPG. Aww, crap. Minus a whole bunch of points for the genre, and a few more for lying to me with the box art. Worse yet, one reviewer of the Japanese version on Amazon gives it two stars, not being a fan of the combat. If Japanese consumers don't like a JRPG, what does that say? Minus an arbitrary load of points.

Some guy on youtube, meanwhile hasn't played the game but reckons the gameplay will make up for its crummy story and shitty graphics explained away by there being clouds of toxic gas in the environment. You know, so the draw distance can be shorter. Plus a few points, and a comment about 'if you like this sort of thing then this is the sort of thing you'll like'
Quick search for a video of the Japanese version of the game, and we get a protagonist dancing at the prospect of looking at a female character's jiggly breasts while drinking wine. His emo T-shirt clad friends stare on. Plus a few points with a 'those kooky Japanese!' comment or minus a bunch deriding the cliched characters and Benny Hillish-ness of the whole affair depending on how right on and forward thinking we are this week.
Overall- dull looking game that teases tits and guns and gives another humdrum rpg. Plus a few points for the breast physics (while gently chiding in the review text) minus a whole bunch for the fact I hate JRPGs, and plus a load to keep the role playing otaku happy. Let's see... 7.3? Yeah that'll do.
And a quick glance on metacritic reveals a 77 score as of March 20. Wow, I'm pretty good at this. More soon, or probably not.













