"Oh, the pain of it all! Truly this is beneath one of my caliber!"

And with that exclamation, the squirrel known as Conker flings himself onto his dressing room's couch, letting his script fall to the floor.

I'm here to interview the B-List video game character about his secret return to the industry, but it's not going well. He has spent the better part of a half an hour pontificating on the mismanagement of talent, specifically his talent, in the video game industry, only to climax with a sarcastic reading from his new project.

If this is any indication, he's going to have a lot more than a questionable past to get over to succeed in his come back. Conker is going to have to get over himself.

* * *

Newer fans of video games may not recognize Conker the squirrel. And you can be forgiven. He's not unlike any of the generic cartoon stars to come out of the Rare character development studio, easily mistaken for a forgettable NPC in a Banjo Kazooie game. However, during his short tenure as a character of note, Conker made a considerable impression.

His game-ography may only contain 4 games (one of which was a remake), but he certainly made an impression. He was originally designed to be another cute and colorful platformer, but prior to making his first starring appearance in a console game, the design of the project was changed, which would sacrifice the poor squirrel to infamy. Conker went from cute child-friendly squirrel, to a drunk, drug using, profanity spewing miscreant for Conker's Bad Fur Day for the Nintendo 64.

But that was exactly what he had planned.

"Yes, I was the engine behind the design change," states Conker after composing himself. "I did not want to wallow in mediocrity for the remainder of my career. I was a star! A star, dammit. I had to rise above my assigned station and deliver a performance of a lifetime!"

As for the cute visuals?

"I endeavored to keep my design intact, as to provide juxiposition twixt the foul mouth character, the spiritual if you will, and the physical manifestation, the concrete. It was my hope, and far be it from the producers to express their inclination towards the change in tone as it was not their idea, that I could explore the relationship between what we are and what we do using tropes that the video game audience would be familiar with."

And did it succeed artistically?

"Quite," says Conker simply as he lights a slim cigar.

* * *

Sales-wise it did not, as evidence by Conker's limited activity in the industry. He came back in 2005 to reprise his role in the remake of Conker's Bad Fur Day for the Xbox, but development soured.

"I had already done it. I wanted to grow as an actor. I wanted to explore and create, not remake. It was totally beneath me."

Such vitriol is apparent when you try to discuss his new unannounced game.

"It's a well beaten path, much to Robert Frost's chagrin. I feel abused, absolutely abused to have to read these lines. What we did in Bad Fur Day was cutting edge, but the way the industry has gone, it is juvenile and run-of-the-mill. It's so... expected."

Not that Conker didn't try to change the course of development like he did before.

"Sure, I was there when they were creating the design document. I wanted to really wanted to do something that had never been done. I wanted to challenge the audience. Initially, I proposed that we develop a game that starts off, purposely mind you, as a bad game, but as you progress the game becomes better and better, the graphics improve, the writing improves... very Charlie Kaufman. Alas..." and Conker shrugs. "That idiot marketing division couldn't get their head around it!"

I ask the frustrated squirrel how he expects the audience will receive the game in its current state.

"Well, I expect-" he begins, but pauses. A dangerous glint is in his eye.

"I dare say that they will say nothing, as there will be no game."

Conker then puts out his cigar on the couch's arm, removes his lighter and sets the script on fire, tossing it into the waste bin.

His smile is wide and full of teeth, more so than usual for a squirrel.

"See you on the retro circuit," he says as he leaves the dressing room.

That's Conker for you. Always doing what you least expect.