Editor's Note: Uh...wow. Just wow. This really is worth reading (or singing along?) all the way through -- it gets better and better, especially toward the end. -Shoe

I am not sure how to explain the following, but I will try. I am positive that just about everyone has made a Jesus Mii on their Wii, but I may be the only person to fashion his Jesus after Ted Neeley from Jesus Christ Superstar (the best movie of all time, and I don't know whether that makes sense or is ridiculous, me being the stalwart atheist). Somewhere, there is a direct line from that to the moment I thought writing an entire satirical rock opera featuring Miis was a good idea. And with that quasi-explanation, I now present Mii: The Musical a tale of adventure, tragedy, romance, and betrayal.

A rough rule on reading: centered means singing, uncentered means speaking, italics are stage directions. Have fun. I hope.

Miis on Parade

John the Mii enters marching.

John Mii: Do you have a casual itch?
Is your family middle-class rich?
Well sir, Nintendo's your niche!
Not much on graphics, but it'll do in a pinch!

A large group of Miis enter the Mii Plaza, marching in time.

John: But what can you do with the waggle wand?
Do you want to be a soldier or James Bond?
If this is your desire, please move along
But give us a chance and you'll become fond... of the

Entire Group: Miis on Parade!
We're Miis on Parade
Make your mom
Or Thomas Kincaid

Thomas Kincaid Mii: I'm the painter of LIGHT!

John: What can you do with a bunch of Miis?
Group: We don't know please tell us!
John: You can put them in your games
Chorus: That sounds fab-u-lous!
John: It doesn't matter if they look like you
Group: We still don't see what's all the fuss
John: You can make anyone!
Group: Even people like us?
John: Yes, because we're all...

Entire Group: Miis on Parade
We're Miis on Parade
Make your girlfriend
Or the girl you wish you had laid!

Group: Everyone's made a Jesus
Jesus Mii: Blessed be this console
Group: A few have made Freddie Mecury
Freddie Mercury Mii: Scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the waggle motion
Group: Iwata is very popular
Iwata Mii: I'm going to drop the bomb!
Group: And everyone has Mario!
Mario Mii: Letsa Go!

Group disperses in a chorus of shouting and cheer. Mary Mii exits crowd.

Mary Mii: Hey John
John Mii: Hey Mary, how's it going?
Mary Mii: Great! I am really excited to play some games!
John Mii: That's great. It's early in the console cycle, so we only have Wii Sports, but things should get pretty hectic. We're going to have a lot of work ahead of us.

Cut to Wii Calender. Days and months go by.

Mary Mii: Hey John. Remember when we thought we were going to have all those games to play?
John Mii: [sighs resignedly] Yes, Mary, as a matter of fact I do.
Mary Mii: But nothing has really been made. I mean Wii Sports is fun, but is that it?
John Mii: I don't know what to tell you. We all thought this was going to be the new way of making games, but... [opens hands wide]
Mary Mii: If only we could convince someone to make a really good game for us.
John Mii: [slight pause] You know, you might be on to something there.

Going to Miyamoto

Cool jazz beat begins. Miis crowd around snapping fingers.

Group: [chanting] Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto
Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto
Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto
Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto

John Mii: If there's one genius who can make a game
Group: Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto
John Mii: If there's one imagination I wish I could tame
Group: Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto
John Mii: If there's one guy who isn't the same
Group: Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto
John Mii: Shigeru Miyamoto is his name!
Group: [crescendo]Nintendo, Watch out we're going to Miyamoto

Abrupt downturn in music.

Mary Mii: Do you really think he would hear us?
Do you think he would make the time?
Or do you think he'll ignore us?
And make a game about violence and crime?

John: Fear not Mary, he'll listen to reason!
Group: Nintendo, Watch Out We're Going to Miyamoto
John Mii: He's ideas change as often as the seasons!
Group: Nintendo, Watch Out We're Going to Miyamoto
John Mii: To ignore us would be treason!
Group: Nintendo, Watch Out We're Going to Miyamoto
John Mii: It would be like tomorrow not seeing the Sun!
Group: [crescendo] Nintendo, Watch Out We're Going to Miyamoto
Shigeru Miyamoto Mii: Come on, forrow me! I know the way!

Exit group.

John Mii: Excuse me, Miyamoto-san, can we have a moment of your time?
Miyamoto: [looks up surprised, and then flashes a warm smile.] Yes?
John Mii: See we were thinking that maybe... And I don't want to sound disrespectful... that we could be featured in another game?
Miyamoto: [smiles broadens] I may have just the thing. Robbie?

Robbie Drums enters with Wii Remote in hand. Begins drum solo.

Scene flashes to E3 2008 Nintendo Press Conference, while Robbie Drums continues to drum.

A screen from the side stage shows the Miis.

John Mii: This is...
Mary Mii: Awesome.
John Mii: This could be huge!

Enter Mary Mii.

John Mii: This is terrible
Mary Mii: Whoa, what's wrong!
John Mii: I'm on Metacritic and Wii Music is tanking!
Mary Mii: Jennifer Tsao said it was really good.
John Mii: She's a... mom!
Mary Mii: Oh gosh, did it become a casual game?
John Mii: I think so. I thought Robbie Drum's mohawk was pretty intense. Evidently it was not intense enough.
Mary Mii: But we went to Miyamoto!
John Mii: I think we went to the wrong Nintendo executive.
Mary Mii: Should we go to Cammie?
John Mii: [shudders] Only if you want puppies. No, I think we need to go to someone a little more hardcore... Someone who is all about kicking ass and taking names...

A Little More Hardcore

Songs opens with the craziest guitar solo in the history of music, segueing into the hairiest metal of all time.

John: We need something a little more hardcore
Group: Wii needs a lot more hardcore
John: We need games that aren't a bore
Group: The Wii needs a new asshole torn

Mary Mii: Surely you don't mean Reg?
John Mii: His name is Reggie!
Mary Mii: He once held a man by his ankles over a ledge!
John Mii: His name is Reggie!
Mary Mii: The man who pushes Nintendo to the edge?
John Mii: Say his name, say his name!
Mary Mii: His name is Reggie!

Group: His name is Reggie! His name is Reggie!
Thomas Kincaid Mii: I'm Thomas Kincaid!
Group: You're not Reggie!
Admiral Ackbar Mii: I was in Star Wars!
Group: You're not Reggie!

Group: [epic finale] His name is Reggie! His name is REGGIE!

John Mii: Hi? Mr. Fils-Aime?
Reggie: [throws bottle at wall] I said I don't owe her nothing! I left the money on the nightstand-- What? Who's there?
John Mii: Just us Miis.
Reggie: What the hell do you want?
John Mii: Well, sir, we asked Miyamoto to make us a game... and he... well... he made Wii Music.
Reggie: [laughing hoarsely. Once he catches his breath he leans back in his chair and lights a cigar] Yeah, too bad for you, huh?
John Mii: We were hoping that maybe you could have a game made for us. Something a little more hardcore.
Reggie: Miis in a hardcore game? What about Mario Kart?
John Mii: That's nice... but I wouldn't call it hardcore.
Reggie: You're a hard customer. [pauses] You know, I think I have just the ticket. Me and Itagaki got into some trouble back in 05 at TGS. I got him out of it. I still remember how that man who was chasing us screamed, choking him with my own bare hands-- Anyway... He owes me a favor. Is Team Ninja hardcore enough?
John Mii: That's... that's actually pretty impressive sir. That's exactly what we wanted!
Reggie: Yes. We'll call it "Project M"... M for Mii of course.

The Miis exit Reggie's television cheering.

Reggie: Those Miis. They'll get what's coming to them. And Itagaki for that matter. [evil laughter]

John Mii: What are you thinking about Mary?
Mary Mii: Reggie.
John Mii: See? You were scared of him, and it turns out it wasn't so bad.
Mary Mii: He was so rugged and tough. I don't know what to do.
John Mii: What do you mean?

Author's note: This song is actually from Jesus Christ Superstar, and I feel this is the only way to express Mary's emotions at this stage in the game.

John Mii: That's weird.

John Mii: I can't even handle it. Our big moment is coming up!
Mary Mii: What do you even think it will be?
John Mii: If it's Team Ninja, it must be filled with ninjas and karate and stuff.

Ninjas and Karate and Stuff

Mary Mii: Ninjas and Karate and stuff... Did you hear that?
Group: Ninjas and Karate and stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuff

John Mii: Shut up! There's no time for songs. The big announcement is coming.

Reggie announces Metroid: The Other M collaboration with Team Ninja. The Miis continue to watch shocked.

John Mii: He sold us out!

A huge cheer erupts from off-stage. Reggie bounds into green room shadow boxing.

Reggie: [to no one in particular] How's that for kicking ass and taking names!?
John Mii: You asshole!
Reggie: [looks at screen with disdain] Oh. It's you.
John Mii: You told us you would get Itagaki to make us a game! And now Project M is a Metroid game! How could you?
Reggie: How could I? With ease. Itagaki is no longer with Team Ninja, and now the glory is all mine. I will rule the message boards!
John Mii: But why us?
Reggie: Huh? Oh that. Well let me tell you.

Nintendo is Spelt R-E-G-G-I-E

Reggie: In my company we do things diff-e-rent
It pays the bills and I have a swank apart-a-ment
We've increased the casual depart-a-ment
Sales are off the chart-a-ment

John Mii: That's not even a word!
Reggie: Shut up, you.

Reggie: But how much can I take
When I read the jokes blogs make?
We're a laughing stock to our old fans
Now we're stuck with mothers and grans

Enter Shigeru Miyamoto, Saturo Iwata and Cammie Dunaway and they join Reggie in a choreographed dance.

All: We're Nintendo and we're taking the core back
And if you don't like it, you can hit the road Jack
We have your mom, your sister, and now we have you
You'll be a fanboy through and through.

Reggie: Japan or America it don't matter
We'll have everyone's head on a silver platter!
We are the greatest team of execs
With four powers that will guarantee success!

Choreographed dance ends with Miyamoto and Iwata bowing to each other, Reggie striking a heroic pose and Cammie Dunaway fawning at Reggie's feet.

Miyamoto: [looking up from bow] I am the mastermind
Cammie: [breaking her entranced stare at Reggie] I love puppies
Iwata: [looking up from bow] I have Wii Vitality Sensor
Reggie: And now I rule the hardcore.

All: [in a melody similar to Going to Miyamoto] Watch out, Nintendo's coming to get you!
Watch out, Nintendo's coming to get you!
Watch out, Nintendo's coming to get you!
Watch out, Nintendo's coming to get you!

Reggie brings his arm up as he approaches the Miis

John Mii: Wait! You still haven't explained why you lied to us!
Reggie: Oh yeah. No reason actually. I'm Reggie. That's what I do. Not only do I kick ass and take names, but I also slam dunk and crush dreams.

Reggie karate chops the screen in half.

Actors freeze and light dims.

Enter Robbie Drums in spotlight.

Robbie Drums: And that's the end of our tale. Nintendo continues its videogame dominance, John's dreams were crushed, and Mary's heart was crushed. Nintendo still sells videogames to Thomas Kincaid fans and university students alike. In the real world of Nintendo, there are no happy endings. Just game overs.

Drum solo.

Fin.