I have never played a real-time strategy game.

Seriously.

Please, let me explain.

The reasons for my lack of RTS experience are numerous. I grew up a console/handheld gamer, and while there are some strategy games for 8-and 16-bit consoles, there weren’t a ton of RTS games. If they existed, I certainly didn’t know about them.

I honestly didn’t know much of anything about the genre until I went over a friend’s house and watched him play one of the old Dune games. Although I enjoyed the first Dune book, I wasn’t impressed with the game. He had been playing it for months, so he did everything so fast that it was difficult to follow. Plus, I was more interested in mocking him for how he’d listen to his Def Leppard cassette on an endless loop while he played, than I was in following the game. I remember he mined a lot of spice, and that’s about it.

Later, the same friend became hooked on Command & Conquer, and then Red Alert. The only thing I recall from those games was the time he came over my house and played Red Alert ALL NIGHT...without so much as a bathroom break. I woke up to his stupid soldiers saying “affirmative” over and over, and there he was, sitting in the same exact spot, surrounded by empty Pepsi cans and still trying to conquer the world or whatever.

My next encounter with the genre came when I was on GameSpot’s game show, “Button Mashing.” I made it to the finals, and, because the segment was sponsored by some PC company, had to have GameSpot’s PC Editor, Jason Ocampo, hand me my ass in Company of Heroes.

I couldn’t figure out how to build things or fire my weapons...hell, I could barely figure out how to move my troops. In fact, I was so bad that my inept "tactics" such as "hiding in a building by mistake" and "doing absolutely nothing right," caused the match to drag on forever. Jason's brain simply couldn't compute on a feeble enough level to deal with my idiotic maneuvers. If you’d like to see the carnage for yourself, skip to 16:00 of this video.

Lack of exposure is one reason why I haven’t played RTS games, but the biggest reason is that they didn’t appear to be a whole lot of fun. The matches take a long time, while building stuff and gathering resources seems extremely tedious. Honestly, I’d get stressed-out watching my friend play -- there was always too much stuff going on. I’ve got enough going on in my life without worrying about mining for some fictitious mineral.

But change is in the air...

I’ve gotten more and more into turn-based strategy games over the last 18 months. I’ve played several tower defense games on the iPhone, and I’ve enjoyed them all. They’re more slow-paced than RTS games, and they stress me out a little less. Most recently I played and enjoyed Plants vs. Zombies, which is a real-time tower defense game (at least in my estimation).

I think it’s time for me to give a “true” RTS game a shot, but I don’t know where to start. I need the Bitmob community’s help.

I’ve already demonstrated that I know almost nothing about the genre. I know some of the big names, but I don’t know which games are noob friendly or which games are too fast-paced for my tastes. I’m looking for suggestions on what game would serve as the best introduction to the world of real-time strategy. I’ll pick the most-popular result from the comments section, play it, and report my experience back to you in a week or two.

Here are a few random likes/dislikes that might help you match my tastes:

• I HATE games like Cake Mania. If I wanted to feel like I’m at work, I’d go to work.
• I don’t really have a preference between sci-fi and military settings.
• I liked Heroes of Might and Magic when I played it back in the day.
• Advance Wars was cool, but the matches ended up taking way too long. I just don't have that kind of patience or time.
• The “fog of war” annoys me.
• I like building stuff like in Sim City and Theme Park.
• I have a snazzy new laptop with a graphics card, so I can play modern games.
• I don’t care about playing online.
• I don’t want to micromanage. (See: Cake Mania)
• It doesn’t have to be a recent game, because honestly, I won’t know the difference.

Hopefully those random tidbits will help you figure out the game that’s right for me. Thanks in advance for your feedback -- I look forward to a great RTS experience!