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The internet brought down all barriers between creators and audience, then immediately proved why we'd built them to begin with. It might allow incredible entertainment which executives wouldn't approve without an absinthe-LSD cocktail, but for every Freeman's Mind or Broken Pixels there are a thousand nerds proving that webcams should be a controlled substance.
Because scientists are working on a cure for Anthrax, but a jigglingly jowled manboy screaming about Luigi's cock is a sight you'll take to the grave.
I subjected myself to the top YouTubed video game ranters, and we're not talking about idiotic teens tantruming into dollar-store mics about how much Xbox sucks. For those failures even a mocking comment is like an Angelina Jolie blowjob covered in chocolate.
No, here we see the top three "by views" matches for "video game review." Each of these has millions of views, or to put it in a scarier way, each commands a greater audience than the President of Cyprus. Remember that next time you vote!
Pop quiz:
a) Mario
b) Mario, what the fuck?
If you found the second option funnier, congratulations! You're the AVGN's target audience! In fact you're about 300% smarter than them, since he usually shortens it to "Fuck!" and pulling a face that'd get him kicked off the set of So You Think You Can Look Retarded for annoying the judges.
Every other shot is dedicated to demonstrating how he drinks, owns more computer crap than you, or - god help you - his idea of "humor."
Please believe me when I say that if Freddy Kreuger killed comedy instead of dreams he'd still be better than the AVGN, and Friday The Thirteenth Part Seventy would still be more original. The word "manchild" was made for this man who believes that "anus" isn't just a joke: it's the apex of comedy.
His entire act is rude words, and I use the pansy-ass description "rude" to get across how his "insults" are so lame they'd have a Tourretted four-year-old saying "What a dork."
Example: "a pink porcupine with a monkey's head up it's butt eating a buffalo's balls." He not only wrote that, he recorded himself saying it and showed it to millions of people. You must understand that the AVGN is the worst thing to happen to hilarity since Bill Hicks started smoking.
The true tragedy as you watch more episodes (and be warned: watching more than one is like trying another finger in the garbage disposal to see if it does better) is how he's actually good at making videos: recording, production values, even special effects.
It's like a rogue Monday Night Football crew broadcasting a Tuesday episode that's just them knitting, and not seeing the problem.
2. Irate Gamer
If you want to know about the Irate Gamer, just do the Angry Video Game Nerd section again - that's what he did. Except you have to wait a year before starting. Oh, and he extends the idea by adding a bit of story and recurring characters to his reviews, which is like adding a running narrative to unanaesthetized dentistry.
It's the same problem as before - these guys are great producers, they just need an actual host and writer patient and firm enough to ignore every single thing the unfunny idiots say.
The Irate Gamer's jokes are more obvious than Seinfeld asking what the deal is with people knock-knocking on his door, and their complaints about the games tend to be invalid, irrelevant or often their own damn fault.
And when you can't make a valid complaint about Home Improvement on the SNES (tied with almost every other license game on the SNES as "worst platform game ever") then that's not just failure: that's the test from Blade Runner where we find out you're a soulless replicant incapable of laughter.
They both make sure to show off their NES2s and Famicoms, of course, as anyone foolish enough to use western hardware will be exterminated when Japan's glorious Evangelionic robots rise up to destroy all but the true fans.
After the AVGN 1 and 1.01 the Classic Game Room was a wonderful relief. But that's not saying much: after the first two AVGN episodes I went to sit under a fire alarm for a while to relax.
The Classic Game Room is just audio over video of the game playing (thereby eliminating ninety percent of everything that made the others unbearable) and my traumatized brain would probably have decided it was my new favorite show if they hadn't hired The Human Chloroform as the narrator.
It's honestly the most boring voiceover since the telephone directory audiobook, with huge stretches of silence where I think he heard his own echo and was knocked out.
Also, he does not give a god-damn about the actual game. I'm not saying the show is soulless shills creating game reviews without any regard for their audience, but this guy recommends a kids cartoon game on the Wii to people who don’t like the cartoon – so, yeah, I actually am saying that. There are crack dealers out there who show more concern for their audience.
All three have everything they need except either a new host or the ability to punch the current one through your computer monitor. The web has created an artificial ecology where the ability to record something well is confused with recording something good.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch Ghostbusters four times to repair the damage to my sense of humor.
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