Little can compare with the excitement of getting a new video game. From holiday gifts when you were young, to scrounging out $60 from this week’s paycheck now that you’re (sort of) an adult, it’s always great to get the title you want, rip open that package, and pop the cartridge or disc in its slot and start playing.
But wait! Did you read the instruction manual? Sure, gamers nowadays are used to in-game tutorials, having their hands held through the first level or two and receiving on-screen explanations of what the buttons do and how to move the character about.
What a bunch of pansies.
Back in gaming’s early days, we were never handed such instructions on a silver cartridge. No, instead we had to scrounge around for every piece of information we could find, and that included reading the instruction manual from cover to cover.
Every tidbit of information could be the key to outlasting the enemy, every strategy provided by the developers could mean the difference between living or dying (on screen, of course), and every piece of background information you could gather about a character gave you the ultimate advantage over your friends.
Back then, it was great to know that the manual for Mega Man 2 actually told you how to beat Airman. Imagine that, an entire boss vanquished before you had even inserted the cartridge! Illusion of Gaia on the Super NES even provided a walkthrough guide – sealed with tape, so you couldn’t accidentally spoil the game for yourself. These were like gold.
Some of the guides even held some very important life lessons.
Days of Future Past
It is said that those who do not study the past are doomed to repeat it. Well, what if we just study the future instead, and look to avoid some of that crap?
For example, as the game XEXYZ tells us, “In the year 2777, the earth existed in a totally different atmosphere. Due to nuclear wars and natural disasters, the population decreased dramatically and only five small islands” remained for the survivors.
XEXYZ - Days of Future Past
Notice that the guide says “existed” and not “will exist” or even “exists.” This is obviously a precautionary note sent back from a future civilization to warn us of the impending doom that’s less than 800 years away! Build your shelters now, or your great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren will never forgive you.
8 Eyes also gave us a warning against the evils of modern warfare. “After hundreds of years of chaos, mankind has finally emerged from the ruins of nuclear war,” explains the guide. The scariest aftereffect of this war does not appear to be the massive fallout, though, but rather the creation of the titular 8 Eyes, “strange jewels of power [that] were formed at the ... centers, of the eight nuclear explosions which nearly destroyed the Earth.”
8 Eyes - Pretty Nice for a post-apocalyptic wasteland
All this means that if/when the nuclear holocaust does arrive, you should either get as far away as possible, or find some place to wait out the aftereffects and then head back to the blast site to pick up one of the jewels, to reap some of the power. Depends on what kind of person you are, I suppose.
Is all this near-future talk worrying you a bit? Perhaps you’d like to hear a story that won’t be taking place for another 3000 years. In the year 5012, Second Lieutenant Nazal, the lone survivor of the World Alive Force, takes on a breathtaking mission to attack the evil Parasitis, which has invaded our galaxy and is rapidly advancing upon Nazal’s home planet Abadox in a game called, uhh, Abadox. Your task is to “travel down its throat through its nerve center – battling hordes of enemy antibodies and bacteria!” Think Inner Space, but more badass.
Abadox - Death from the inside out
You won’t learn this stuff on the Biography channel
Let’s talk about some characters and games that have aged a bit more gracefully than some mentioned above. How about Solid Snake – everyone seems to love him, especially after the fantastic reception to Metal Gear Solid 4. Many fans would like to forget about Snake’s Revenge, however.
Referred to by a friend of mine as the worst Metal Gear game by a long shot, Snake’s Revenge does have one of the best bios of the iconic hero that you’re likely to find. Taking control of Snake, you, the player, are “a combination [of] Rambo, James Bond, John Wayne, and Lawrence of Arabia.”
Snake's Revenge - Rambo+Bond+Wayne+Lawrence of Arabia = Badass
As if the expectation of living up to those famous people wasn’t enough, you’re then told that, “You’re also the leader of this perilous mission, and if you bite the dust, so does the free world.” Holy crap, talk about pressure! I could barely make my bed when I got this game, and now I have to worry about the entire free world!?!
Perhaps you’re more of a fan of the Contra series. Everyone knows about Mad Dog and Scorpion (or Lance and Bill, depending on who you ask) and their mission to take out the evil Red Falcon.
But what do the two marines do during their down time between gam... er, missions? Let’s consult the manual for Super C for more information: “Sipping cold lemonade with a couple of native lovelies, Mad Dog and Scorpion (Guerrilla Warriors extraordinaire) relax on a Rio beach and boast of how they destroyed the vile alien war monger, Red Falcon.” So that’s where the chopper was heading at the end of the first game.
Super C - You can just picture them partying it up in Rio
You want more badasses? Who else could be macho enough to serve as Combat Consultant to the International World Affairs Council than Major I.M. Havoc. Yes, that’s right, I.M. Havoc. His mother knew he was going to grow up to have balls of steel, so she gave him the initials he’d need to succeed.
This proud, honorable soldier provides you with the mission briefing in Cabal, giving you invaluable information before you head out to squander the plans of D.R.A.T – the Dreaded Republic of Allied Terrorists. “The Council has instructed me to select a volunteer to defuse the situation,” Havoc tells you, “and guess what? You just volunteered! Get ready for a week’s R & R (Recon and Ruination) at the terrorist camp, on a secluded island paradise.” Sign me up, Major!
Cabal - Reporting for duty, Major Havoc!
Odds and Ends
Maybe you’re just more of a facts-hound than a thrill-seeker looking to solve the world’s problems. Well, game instruction manuals have plenty of fodder for your trivia-obsessed brain, too.
By now everyone knows that Samus Aran is a woman, but when the first Metroid was released for the NES, her identity was such a well-kept secret that even the people tasked with telling her story referred to Samus as a dude. “Samus’ mission is to destroy the Mother Brain in the planet’s central base.” Okay, everyone knows that. But read on, and you’ll see: “On the way, he continues to search endlessly, and to kill the Mini-Bosses that he meets.” Sneaky, Samus. You had everyone fooled. Except Justin Bailey, of course.
Metroid - "Nope, no chicks here, why?"
Also, if you’re ever stuck wandering the countryside, searching for energy crystals for a peace-keeping robot, and you can’t think of anything to give your robotic dog to keep him happy, just take Dr. Light’s advice from Mega Man 3. “Is Rush there with you? Give him a bolt to chew on and tell him it’s from us.” Aww, how sweet! Nothing shows your affection for a motorized pup like some crunchy scrap metal.
Mega Man 3 - How about some bolts, buddy?
Learn these lessons well
Next time you tear off that plastic wrap in an effort to start up your new video game, think about all of the gems hidden in the instruction manuals of games from the past. The booklet inside that shiny new case may just save your life. Or at least it’ll give you some interesting bathroom reading material.
(All games from the NES.)
Have any of your own unintentionally funny instruction manual stories from the past?
