Editor's note: Bitmob Game Club is back. Target: the happy/murderous cartoon soldiers in Battlefield Heroes. -Demian

Several obstacles later, Bitmob Game Club rolls into its third edition. This time, our four Bitmob community writers have banded together to play Battlefield Heroes.

In this entry, we discover that not assigning our contributors a specific style of writing may not lead to the most thorough examination of the game. It does, however, lead to entertainment.

Read on to find Brian Petro-Roy going mad from the whistling in his head, James DeRosa going off on a diatribe about micro-transactions, Chris Davidson, uh, role-playing, and Jasmine griefing a guy called Firedick. Let's just say you won't find Battlefield Heroes articles like this anywhere but here at the Bitmob Game Club.

Contributor Brian Petro-Roy

Brian tried watching The Price Is Right earlier this week, and was once again reminded of how painfully unworthy Drew Carey is of replacing the great Bob Barker.

He has also been pouring countless hours into Demon’s Souls, and is nowhere near as far through the game as he should be, based on how long he’s been playing it.

Earl Hickey was right.

Karma is real, it's out there, and it does NOT screw around. Exhibit A: I wrote a full article about how I think that game music should be more repetitive, and barely a week later I end up playing a game with only one song for Game Club?

When EA opted to make Battlefield Heroes free to play, they must have decided then and there that they needed to skimp -- and it looks like music was the first thing to go. This song, or snippets of it, is pretty much the only music that plays in this game, and it does absolutely nothing but repeat endlessly.

Normally, this wouldn’t be a totally bad thing. It’s a jaunty, catchy little tune, and I can’t help but bop along as I wait for my ancient POS computer to load the levels, but there is one little problem.

As Jay Henningsen pointed out in the comments in the prelude article, the development team was going for a more cartoony aesthetic, and the theme song reflects that approach. If Battlefield Heroes were a Saturday morning cartoon, you’d expect the main characters would be angelic little cherubs in oversized army helmets -- “The Littl’st Army,” that sort of thing.

A typical plot would have been the Royal Army trying to recapture the sandbox from the Nationals, and after a fierce tussle, in the end they all would realize that had they shared the sandbox in the first place, the whole fight could have been avoided.

So it's a little disconcerting when you go into the game itself and find a bunch of pissed-off looking dudes armed with combat knives, sniper rifles, and big-ass machine guns, running around with goofy, exaggerated gaits and trying to blow each other to kingdom come.

The game has a split personality -- it keeps saying “KILL THEM,” but it’s also like, “Hey, isn’t this just silly and fun?” and then it’s right back to “NO, SERIOUSLY, KILL THEM.”

It’s an interesting dichotomy. The tanks are, for lack of a better word, cute, yet they still shoot out explosive projectiles that blow shit up. You can take to the skies in a Spitfire/Messerschmitt look-alike, and bring two teammates with you who literally sit on the wings. (I’d love to get an explanation for that one.)

When an enemy’s bullets set you on fire, instead of screaming in pain and rolling on the ground to put yourself out, your character just goes “OH HO HO HO HO” and continues about his business. To heal damage from bullets, stab wounds, and grenade shrapnel, you use a giant Band-Aid. And so on.

I’m not complaining about all this, per se; it’s just a little disconcerting to spend 45 seconds every round listening to the everybody’s-happy-and-war-is-so-much-fun theme song, and then getting right back into shooting-dudes-in-the-face mode.

Not that I’m letting that stop me, of course. More on that next week.

Contributor James DeRosa

James is a subject of the “terror of doing stuff.” The terror of doing stuff is a paralyzing fear; James has overcome this tremulousness by blasting so many noobs in their noob faces that he's hard pressed to self-doubt.

He is currently playing (and leading in) Battlefield Heroes. He is also, currently, disdaining the Left 4 Dead 2 demo.

The first thing you need to know is that Battlefield Heroes is an awesome game and you can play it for free.

Free-to-play but pay-to-upgrade titles like Nexon's Maple Story and Disney's Pixie Hollow have done a lot to reduce hardcore gamers' expectations of the free-to-play experience. This diminishment is fair, but it's not universally true.

Battlefield Heroes is an earnest attempt at an actual à la carte game. It may be the first bona fide, credible attempt by a prevalent, prolific, and renowned developer to create a game where you choose what you want to pay.

As someone who has played open-world games like World of Warcraft and free-to-play games like Maple Story, I can see the differences; I can also understand how people unfamiliar with the pay-to-play and/or graduated style of traditional MMOs might be reticent to engage with a game like Battlefield Heroes.

I've come to allay those fears: Developer Digital Illusions' game is a complete game that costs nothing.

Of course, you can also buy extra stuff. As a consummate micro-transaction hater, you'd think that would bug me. But it doesn't. I've played two of three classes now, without the micro-transaction guns, and I've had a ball.

I've actually grown attached at this point...and it makes me wonder if the Heroes approach could work with other titles that would otherwise be $60 games.

What if we could buy the pieces of a multiplayer game that we wanted rather than buying into the full product? And, on the flip side, what if we could buy Bioshock 2 for $30, its multiplayer for $30, or both for $60?

If you don't want the whole game, just buy a part. Or, not at all. Download it and play it for free.

Contributor Chris Davidson

Chris is sad because one of his car tires died and his 360 red-ringed on the same day. He's more sad about the tire. He's currently playing Red Faction: Guerrilla, Modern Warfare 2 (before his 360 died), and Kingdom Hearts for DS, which is still taking forever.

I was looking forward to the original pick for this series of Game Club, the MMO Dungeon Runners. Right after I found out we were doing it, I knew my angle -- role-playing. I mean, who doesn't like to role-play? There's a reason why role-play servers are always the coolest and most popular, right?

Well, I've never role-played before, so I figured this would be a good opportunity to try it out and share my experiences with the world. Unfortunately, the game switched to Battlefield Heroes. But I realized, why should that stop me? I had already formed the resolve to start this, and I'm not one to go back on my resolve, once formed. So I decided I was going to role-play Battlefield Heroes.

Casual_Alcoholic: Alright soldiers, direct me to your commanding officer!

Soldier A: We don't have a commanding officer sir.

Casual_Alcoholic: Don't have a commanding...well Jiminy God Damn Cricket, what's your battle plan then?

Soldier 2: Kill and don't get shot?

Casual_Alcoholic: That won't do. We'll need a battle plan, what do you guys think? B Formation? The Flying V? The Double Deuce?

Soldier A: The Double Deuce!!!!!!

Casual_Alcoholic The Double Deuce it is! I'll take left, Private, you take starboard!

Soldier A: Take what?

I started off the journey by researching my role, which is the strategy that top role-players use to become as cool as they are. I started by watching some World War 2 movies, but I got bored and watched The Mighty Ducks instead.

Casual_Alcoholic: Dammit someone get me a biplane, I need a biplane!

Soldier B: What are you talking about?

Casual_Alcoholic: Alright I've got one, time to execute "The Flying V." Take to the skies men! We'll rain down chaos and destruction the likes of which have never been witnessed by man!

Ever see a hawk dive into the water and grab a fish? Well picture that, except the hawk flies upside down into a spiral dive and goes swimming instead of gracefully exiting the water with a fish.

Casual_Alcoholic: Victory! It was all because of The Flying V, it worked for the Mighty Ducks, and I'll be damned if it didn't work for us too!

Soldier B: You crashed into the ocean....

Casual_Alcoholic: Well, it worked didn't it?

I just couldn't get into my role. Plus, people kept thinking I was trying to be funny and wouldn't take me seriously. I thought about the concept of role-playing some more. Maybe it was time to turn to the hardest of the hardcore role-players -- LARPers (live action role-players).

Some of you may know LARPing from the famous paintball vs. LARPer incident that occurred in Maine during the mid 90s. For those who don't -- two separate weekend events, one paintball and one LARPing, happened on adjacent pieces of land. Over the course of the weekend, the lines blurred a bit, and the two events became intertwined. (It's the closest thing to nerd genocide that's happened in the last two decades.)

LARPing changes from scenario to scenario, and you can't always figure out who is or isn't a LARPer just from meeting them. Luckily, in my case anyways, it was easy. I went to talk to the US military.

Casual_Alcoholic: Alright Corporal Squiqqles, I'm at the back of the base.

Squiqqles69: Why the fuck are you talking to me?

Casual_Alcoholic: I'm planting the charges right now, when they go off, charge in and we'll flank them with B Formation.

Squiggles69: Dude, dynamite isn't going to do anything from that distance.

Casual_Alcoholic: Dammit, Squiggles, just follow the fucking plan for once, I'm not taking your shit today!

Casual_Alcoholic: OK they're set! Charge!!!!

Well I learned quite a bit from the LARPers I talked to, and they were pretty hardcore. Based on all the LARPers I'd encountered in the past, these guys were definitely the most dedicated to their job (they didn't break character even a single time!). I learned something about these guys, though: Shooting people isn't fun, it's just something you have to do sometimes for the greater good.

Casual_Alcoholic: Holy shit, I just killed two people.

Enemy Soldier 3 1/2: Stop bragging, and why do you keep talking in general chat, you've been telling us your plans this entire time.

Casual_Alcoholic: Jesus Christ they're really fucking dead, fuck fuck fuck! I don't think I can keep this up. I mean, they had families, friends, lovers...well maybe not lovers

Enemy Soldier 3 1/2: Fuck you, asshole

Truth be told, I don't know what that greater good bullshit actually means, but it sounded pretty bad ass. I thought about it some more, and all this killing really got to me while I was pretending to be this person. It was then that I truly knew what I had to do -- become a pacifist.

Pacifist Casual_Alcoholic: Hey does anyone need any help with anything?

Soldier D: What do you mean...?

Pacifist Casual_Alcoholic: Alright well that's cool, I'm just going to go by the docks and look at the water for a bit, it's relaxing. Let me know if you need anything.

Solider 5: Shoot people.

Pacifist Casual_Alcoholic: Well I can't, that goes against my moral code. You see, I'm a pacifist.

Enemy Soldier 7: Dude, you're playing a shooting game.

Pacifist Casual_Alcoholic: That doesn't mean I have to be violent about it. I usually just hop in the jeep and provide rides back and forth, but I can't find a jeep anywhere in this level.

Soldier Z: Is friendly fire on?

Soldier D: Fuck we got bent over that round. I blame Casual.

Pacifist Casual_Alcoholic: Nice try guys! We'll get em next time! You just have to believe in yourselves.

I'm sure you guessed already, there's a lot more stuff I did that got cut from this article, like the round where I got my entire team to pretend to be pirates; it's just too long to include. Feel free to join me and get some rounds in. I've met a lot of people from last week that are trying to play with me now (I should have guessed, but I never thought being a role-player would make me so popular), but I'll try to get some rounds in with specific people if they want. Just twitter me or something. (I'll prioritize playing with people from Bitmob. Oh yeah, I still can't believe you guys convinced me to use Twitter, but I'll never conform to its laws!)

Oh, the game itself? It's pretty fun. I played about eight hours of it this week, which is a lot more than I should have since I had three exams. Everyone should check it out, the progression system is slow but it feels good when you get something new. The character progression really sells the experience as a whole.

It's like a Modern Warfare-lite system, with some Team Fortress 2 battle elements thrown in. It's nice that they made all the pay stuff cosmetic only, and hopefully it'll support them enough to keep this game going. You guys and gals should all join us next week! I'm Casual_Alcoholic on there if anyone wants to friend me.

Contributor Jasmine Maleficent Rea

Jasmine actually speaks with a peculiar French accent and prefers to sulk around with a revolver, knife, and a pack of shape-shifting cigarettes. Your mother isn’t safe, and neither is your intelligence.

Way of the Samurai 3, Borderlands, Persona 3, Pokémon Platinum, Persona PSP, and Castlevania: Rondo of Blood are all in her active gaming queue. How the hell does she have time, ever?

The first thing you should know about my gaming habits is that I am a hermit. All of you who enjoy playing with other people you don’t know, and subsequently quarrelling with them over a dick move, can just go on enjoying that. Hermits are happy to explore the finer points of single-player.

The second thing you should know is that I enjoy pissing people off in multiplayer games -- when I have to play them. This isn’t the average insult hurling annoyance, oh no. I never say a word, other than “Peace out,” or something equally as dated. My particular brand of annoyance is using a stealthy character and stalking the most obnoxious chatterer on the map.

This makes me a generally unfriendly and unknown entity in a game. Sure, I’ll back your ass up in a fire fight, but don’t expect a “GG” out of me when the round ends. There is too much useless chatter. My contribution to the world is silence. Otherwise, you’d know I just called you a bitch-ass son of a leprous whore. Shit-damn, I just said it.

If you are going to hurl insults at one another, you should at least be more creative. Within 20 minutes of starting a match, my team was accused of cheating, being ‘fuccas and succas,’ and everyone who responded had their name suffixed with -dick (Insanedick and Firedick stand out as my favorites).

This leads me to my first major complaint about Battlefield Heroes. Every online multiplayer game has its trolls, but there’s a wonderful function known as 'ignore' that many games opt to include -- too bad Heroes didn't. In-game communication is done through text, which should be infinitely easier to block.

Constant reminders that Firedick is recording the match and threatening to report us all as cheaters because his teammates fall victim to stealth attacks isn’t something I want to endure. Also, maybe you guys shouldn’t stand around with your backs exposed? Just a thought.

I’ve yet to be banned for playing the game, and Firedick rage-quit four matches in. Serves him right for buying the Smooth Criminal costume. He was a large white target on a field of green and gray.

Seriously, though, not being able to block the chatter is going to be a constant point of annoyance. Then again, how will I know who to backstab when the insults start flying? Herr Schnurrbart (Mr. Mustache) will strike again, Firedick, just you wait.

I swear I am not a spy.