If there’s one thing that participating in the first two Bitmob Game Nights has taught me, it’s that I suck at multiplayer games.

I’m not talking just your average, garden-variety suck here, though – I’m talking about stinkbombs of epic proportions.  (Commence Rodney Dangerfield impersonation.)

I tell ya, in a Red vs. Blue game, they put me on the Green team.  My wife thinks that every game I play is called Respawning.  I suck so badly, people tell me I should change my handle to "Electrolux."  Man, when I’m playing multiplayer, I don’t get no respect.  No respect at all.

To be honest, I haven’t sniffed a positive kill/death ratio since my college days, when my chief strategy at networked Descent was to flee like a frightened squirrel at the first sign of trouble -- and, of course, come back to the fray once I’d found a megamissile.

The one thing I could never figure out, though, was why I was so bad.  It’s not like I have no skill whatsoever as a gamer – I’ve beaten some pretty tough challenges in my day.  The original NES Castlevania, Ninja Gaiden on Xbox, Contra 4 on Hard, God of War II on God mode, and Mass Effect on Insanity starting with a level 1 Shepard, just to name a few.  So what gives?

Well, I’m happy to say I finally figured it out last night – I’m bad at multiplayer because I love videogames. 

Confused?  I’ll let Allen Iverson explain.

If you’re a sports fan, you remember that infamous press conference, right?  The one in 2002, where the reigning scoring champ and former MVP went on an extended rant about Larry Brown's complaints about him missing practices?  It’s got to be one of the most memorable moments in sports culture of the past decade, and it’s damned funny to boot.

But why, you ask, is it relevant?  Well, during his rant, Iverson acknowledges the fundamental importance of practice, even as he hilariously belittles it for the next three minutes straight -- and here’s a rough transcript of what I said to my wife last night as I was attempting to explain why I was continually getting shellacked in Uncharted 2:

“See, honey, since everybody else has been playing for a while, they’ve all been able to unlock these extra bonus abilities.  Plus, I don’t know the maps very well or where all the good weapons are, and besides, they’ve all had a lot more practice at this than me…”

And that’s when it hit me.

“Wait a second,” I’m sure you’re saying to yourself right now.  “Your big revelation is that you suck because you’re a n00b?  Any idiot could have figured that out.”  That is a very good point, Mr. Hypothetical Not-Very-Nice Bitmob Reader, but allow me to elaborate further.

I have an almost pathological love for videogames.  I have been playing them since I was four years old, and I would play them every day if I could.  I love all types of games:  adventure games, puzzle games, board games, card games, strategy games, beat-‘em-ups, shooters, flight sims, space sims, RPGs, music games, whatever the hell Brain Age qualifies as…you name it, I love it.

I’ve done some really unhealthy, counterintuitive crap in service of my love of games.  For instance, last night I sat down to play Demon’s Souls at about 11:00 PM, chugged a 20-ounce Monster energy drink at 12:30 – keep in mind I normally don’t drink anything caffeinated or with sugar in it – and proceeded to play until 6 AM, when, still totally wired, I lay down on the couch and sort of grabbed two hours of restless sleep.

News flash: this sort of thing is not healthy.  I went in for a sleep consultation a few months ago because I was constantly exhausted and thought I had sleep apnea, and the doctor nearly threw me out of her office when I told her about my weekly all-night gaming jags.  (Note: I got over the exhaustion by sticking to a consistent sleep/rising time on the other nights, and I’m usually fine the day after an all-nighter – it’s the next day after that I have to watch out for.)

I don’t always do the best thing for my wallet’s health, either.  My wife and I have been budgeting like crazy this year (that tends to happen in years when you purchase a 67-inch television), and yet I was still suckered in by the “buy 2, get 1 free” sales last month at Toys ‘R Us and Best Buy.

As a result, my current gaming backlog looks like this:  Borderlands, Brutal Legend, Rainbow Six: Vegas*, Prince of Persia*, and Red Faction: Guerilla* on 360; Demon’s Souls, Batman: Arkham Asylum, Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack In Time*, an inFAMOUS Evil replay, and an Uncharted 2 replay (where I find more than a lame 26 treasures) on PS3.  Asterisks denote games that haven’t even been opened yet.

I want to play all of these games because of the unique perspective each one brings to the hobby I love: whether it’s the “we hate you and we’re not ashamed of it” attitude of Demon’s Souls, Borderlands’ tantalizing loot, the unparalleled freedom you find in inFAMOUS, Brutal Legend’s match made in heaven of Tim Schafer and Jack Black, or the potential of an FPS cover mechanic that actually works in R6: Vegas.  And so on.

I shall now pose a question that I’ve been building towards since the beginning of this article – with the desire for unique perspectives paramount in my mind, why in the world would I bother playing one subset of one game over and over and over again?

Let’s come full circle and bring Allen Iverson back into this again.  Multiplayer gaming, you see, is much like a sport.  In basketball, hockey, or baseball, every single time you play, the rules are the same, the field is the same, and the object is the same – the only thing that changes are the participants.  In the movie Hoosiers, Coach Norman Dale even used this fundamental fact in order to calm down his overwhelmed team, pointing out that the court for the state championship game was still 94 feet long with a 10 foot high hoop.

Really, how is that any different than knowing exactly where the sniper rifle, rocket launcher, or secret passages are on any given MP map?  (Although, considering that most games have a lot of MP maps and they change often, I’d say MP gaming is more like a deadlier version of golf.)

And how does anybody improve at a sport?  Say it with me, kids – PRACTICE!  Just like shooting free throws or doing wind sprints, MP gaming requires rounds upon rounds upon rounds until you can always win the race to the rocket launcher, know exactly how long your assault rifle bursts can be before they stop hitting your target, and laugh with derision when some schmuck tries throwing a grenade at your cover position.

Like I said, folks, I just don’t have the inclination to lock myself into a different “sport” every couple of months.  It took a serious foot injury to stop my 15-year Ultimate Frisbee career, and since then, the only sport I’ve picked up has been disc golf – not exactly a stretch!

For those of you who do have the inclination to enjoy the subtle variety that the sport of multiplayer gaming brings, I say more power to you (and more easy kills at any future Bitmob Game Nights that I partake in).  As for me, I started this little journey asking the question of why I was so bad at multiplayer games…

Looks like I found The Answer.