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Tuesday November 8, 2011
Cartoon Network: Punch Time Explosion XL (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii)
So you think the Powerpuff Girls can kick Ben 10’s ass? Thanks to Punch Time Explosion, you can prove it. This Super Smash Bros. wannabe features 26 of Cartoon Network’s pantheon of cartoon characters all dying to prove to you that they’re the most badass of them all. Happy punching.
Champion Jockey: G1 Jockey and Gallop Racer (PS3, Wii)
Ever feel like you could’ve been the world’s best horse racer if you weren’t just... you know, seven foot tall? You still could thanks to the magic of video games. Now get out there and make us proud.
Deepak Chopra’s Leela (Xbox 360 Kinect, Wii)
Fitness games want to see a skinnier gaming populace, but Deepak Chopra just wants you to be more, what’s the word, centered. That’s right, meet the first ever meditation video game. Obviously not a game, this mind-body wellness author just wants you to find inner serenity when you’re not headshotting fools. A noble undertaking mind you, but it still reeks of misplaced good intentions.
Happy Feet Two (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, 3DS, DS)
Dancing penguins. Dancing freakin’ penguins. An idea so robust that you can actually make two movies out of it and a game where your dancing skills plays an asset on top of the 3D brawler/platformer. Oh bother.
Jaws: Ultimate Predator (Wii, 3DS)
For people with shark phobias, ahem, Jaws: Ultimate Predator will either be therapeutic or an absolute nightmare. Like the PS2/Xbox game that came out five years ago, you play as the 25 foot terror of the seas itself on a killing spree around Amity Island. Happy hunting.
Jonah Lomu Rugby Challenge (Xbox 360, PS3)
Is Jonah Lomu the Madden of Rugby? Is he an old, fat guy that commentates on Rugby games? Anyone out there even know who this guy is? Is this Rugby game really all that challenging? So many questions. So little explanations.
Metal Gear Solid HD Collection (Xbox 360, PS3)
Oh Metal Gear. How your overly chatty games have managed to capture the imagination of so many gamers kinda baffles the logical mind. Perhaps playing through 2, 3, and even the previously PSP exclusive Peace Walker might lend me some insight into this phenomena. Damn shame it doesn’t include the first one though.
Nickelodeon Dance (Xbox 360 Kinect, Wii)
Does everybody have to get in on the dance craze? You don’t see Call of Duty making a dance game out of that Ghost guy. Anyways, I hope you have fun dancing to the likes of Dora and Diego. I’ll stick with the slightly humanesque figures in Dance Central.
SpongeBob Surf and Skate Roadtrip (Xbox 360 Kinect, DS)
I never picked SpongeBob to be of the surfing and skateboarding type given how he lives under the sea and all that. But then again, the denizens of SpongeBob’s world can actually drown and all that, so who knows what logic these guys operate on.
The Black Eyed Peas Experience (Xbox 360 Kinect, Wii)
Poor Black Eyed Peas. I’m sure they were a little miffed when their songs don’t show up on Dance Central. What’s a music group to do when they can’t get their songs on a dancing game? Make your own dancing game with nothing but your own songs. That’s what!
Big League Sports (Xbox 360 Kinect)
Seriously, who knew the Kinect would actually be the new sport themed mini-game magnet that it is? Just because your mini-game collection includes the six most popular sports in the world doesn’t make you any better than hundreds of other sports themed mini-game collections out there. Congratulations Microsoft. You’ve successfully supplanted the Wii in this dubious honor.
Let’s Cheer! (Xbox 360 Kinect)
I knew that microphone in the Kinect would be trouble. In addition to being another dance games in the picle of Kinect dance games, obviously themed to cheeleading, Let’s Cheer! will also judge your “team spirit” through your chants. Now your neighbors will definitely know exactly when you’re doing your little routines. Please be courteous to your neighbors and supply them with ear plugs.
Self-Defense Training Camp (Xbox 360 Kinect)
Finally! An exercise game whose conceit I can actually get behind. As the name implies, Self-Defense Training Camp actually teaches some real life self defense techniques like a flat palm to an attacker’s nose. These techniques are interspersed between other more exercise focused moves and even includes meditative forms of exercise meant to help the user learn to stay calm under duress. Not bad.
Sledge Hammer (Xbox 360)
Because monster trucks desperately need their own Mario Kart clone, we get Sledge Hammer. Here you race monster trucks complete with weapons to blast other monster trucks off the road because big giant monster trucks aren’t weapons themselves.
Winter Stars (Xbox 360 Kinect, PS3, Wii)
One mention of your peripheral being even remotely attractive to the family crowd and everyone jumps in to make mini-game collections for it. Here we’ve got yet another collection of sports turned into a mini-game. This one goes the winter route with sports like ski jumping, paraskiing, snowboarding, figure skating, and even curling in addition to six others. Snow jackets not included.
Your Shape: Fitness Evolved 2012 (Xbox 360 Kinect)
About two years ago I bet you, my fellow readers, that this fitness series that started on the Wii and comes with a camera attachment will jump ship onto the Kinect. Pay up. As for what’s new, 2012 now includes ground exercises like push ups and crunches on top of UI improvements. Seriously though, I take checks.
Heavy Rain (Director’s Cut) (PS3)
Think of it as the Game of the Year edition of Heavy Rain, the adventure game that came out last year. On top of Heavy Rain itself, you also get the The Taxidermist DLC, a bunch of “Making of” videos, the soundtrack, and some other extra stuff. An actual umbrella or something would’ve been a nice extra, but no dice.
The Kore Gang (Wii)
How a low budget game that looks as ugly as The Kore Gang manages to get approved and shoved out the door sort of boggles the mind. Even the slightly interesting premise of a cybernetic suit that transforms to match the strength the current pilot, of whom there are three including a dog, looks rather wasted in here. If you must have a wacky adventure starring three disparate characters, try Trine.
Outdoors Unleashed: Alaska 3D (3DS), Outdoors Unleashed: Africa 3D (3DS)
Pick your poison folks. Do you want to hunt game in Africa or Alaska?
Puppies 3D (3DS)
Another Puppy simulator? The pet simulator genre must really be on life support right now to warrant another one of these.
Bakugan: Rise of the Resistance (DS)
Huh. Here’s an odd one. This RPG, based off the kids line of transforming action figures with probably a cartoon to back it up, has a pretty strange combat system. Namely, every time you fight someone, you do so through a game of tower defense with your Bakugan as the on-screen avatar that goes around building towers and even act as its own portable tower. It actually looks kind of... interesting.
DaGeDar (DS)
You know you have yourselves some really lazy guys in R&D when they best they can come up with is balls with crappy art painted on it. Or is it actually sheer genius? Whatever the case maybe, a 2D racing game surrounding said ugly ass balls couldn’t have come from anywhere else but the marketing team of said balls. I shudder to think of the day a marketing team actually learns to make a video game by themselves.
Wappy Dog (DS)
So the game industry do realize the absurdity of virtual pets, but how do they resolve this? By including a robot dog that communicates with your DS in this pet simulator. Bad game industry! Bad, Bad!
Late to the Party
- Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town! (Wii) 11/8/2011
- Heavy Fire: Afghanistan (Wii), Heavy Fire: The Chosen Few (3DS) 11/8/2011
- Michael Jackson: The Experience (3DS) 11/8/2011
- Pac-Man Party 3D (3DS) 11/8/2011
- Cars 2 (PSP) 11/1/2011
Send help... buried under pile of new releases... running out of air... sock starting to smell... plastic fumes... overwhelming senses...
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