One day, I’m going to write an epic poem about the depressing video game releases of the summer lull period. On that exact day, I’ll also realize that I can’t write a poem for jack squat, but that’s beside the point. This week’s releases aren’t exactly bucking any of the summer lull trends. It’s a crappy week, and no amount of salad dressing will make taste any better. Trust me, I’ve tried. Cheer up! If you consider yourself a gamer, then you have a pile of games sitting somewhere waiting to be released from their cellophane prison. Be nice to those games and release them. They’ll thank you for it.

Remember. Release dates are quite literally made at the whims of the publisher.  The following are subject to change without any warning.

Coming This Week

Tuesday July 12, 2011

That windmill had it coming

Call of Juarez: The Cartel (Xbox 360, PS3)

On the bright side, meet one of the few First Person Shooters that doesn’t star some military grunt yelling out a bunch of military jargon like Oscar Larry or azap or Elle Zee - who ever she is, she’s usually hot. Hell you even get to play as a kickass, gun-totting chick who isn’t British. Unfortunately, this iteration of the Call of Juarez series dumps the Western setting, which would’ve easily set it apart from the other FPSes on the market. I guess you’ll have to contend with a modern day shooter about cleaning out the Mexican drug cartels entrenched along the border. Yawn.

Captain America: Super Soldier (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, DS)

Captain America has always been a little bit anachronistic to me the same way Rosie the Riveter would be if she were still used in pop culture today. Obviously no one else seems to mind given the fact that he has a movie coming out this week. Like a lot movie licensed games, this Third Person Brawler will be following its own storyline. As for the combat system, Captain America appears to be copying Arkham Asylum if these early previews are to be believed. The Wii version even shows the button prompt over an enemy’s head, which tells you when to push Z to counterattack. The DS version, as usual, will be going the 2D platformer route. I should start my own propaganda/comic book character. How does Corporal Coming Soon sound?

Otomedius Excellent (Xbox 360)

Coming Soon fans, you can chalk another game under the OFJ (Only From Japan) banner. The popular, at least in Japan, Otomedius series relies heavily on gamers love of classic shooters, both horizontal and vertical, like Gradius and and Twinbee among others and scantily clad, possibly underage anime girls. How? You don’t fly some spaceship or airplane. Instead you control a barely dressed anime girl riding these flying... something or other that shoots lasers. Before you start crying foul, Japan does have another shmup series that does the human male absolutely no favors. That’s equal opportunity sexism for ya.

Just Dance Summer Party (Wii)

The Xbox 360 may have Dance Central, but to the Wii audience, no other dance game exist other than Just Dance. Because game industries don’t like to learn the harsh lessons of other genres, Ubisoft saw fit to release an expansion pack-esque game in the Just Dance series with Just Dance Summer Party. Now you get to dance to Blur’s “Song 2,” “Barbie Girl” sang by some cover band I’ve never heard of, and even “Born to be Wild” by Steppenwolf! Just watch those lamps you have sitting around the living room. Wouldn’t want to see you on the next YouTube video now would we?

The Smurfs: Dance Party (Wii)

You know what would make you look even stupider to your Peeping Tom neighbors than just dancing to your TV? Dancing along to Smurfs on your TV sets. Now you get to dance along to the likes of “Who Let the Smurfs Out,” “We Like to Smurf It,” and “Mr. Smurtastic”! Oh shoot me now.

The Smurfs (DS)

If some sadistic bastard forces me at gunpoint to play either the previously mentioned Smurf dancing game or this edutainment, mini-game collection, for once in my life, I might actually pick an edutainment game. That just goes to prove that the human spirit indeed has its limits.

I’m still shuddering at that Saw-like dilemma just now. Give me a moment.

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