First, let your gut reaction determine the tone. Contrary to popular belief, this sort of stealth review doesn’t have to be negative, but positive reviews do need to lean toward uncritical gushing. You’ll generally be working with thirty seconds to five minutes of video, much of which won’t even show gameplay, so nuance is a luxury you can’t afford. It’s also important to avoid optimism or pessimism. Those belong in previews, where the writer’s mind is, in theory, not made up yet. As a critic, you should already know exactly what you think.

 

Whatever that verdict is, it must be delivered in no uncertain terms. Don’t leave it up to the reader to decide where you stand—after all, there’s a reason most video game reviews have scores. But since you’ll want to couch this review as a preview in order to keep your name off of Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits, you won’t be able to include any numbers, letter grades, or even stars. Thus, negative reviews should be overbearingly snarky, while positive reviews should be half-articulate ejaculations of glee. This will eliminate all possible confusion.

 

So you have your gut reaction, but  how do you turn that into a couple hundred words? The answer is paradoxical, but simple: reductionism. For example, any third-person shooter with a cover mechanic can be safely classified as a Gears of War clone if you don’t like it, or a Gears killer if you do. If a game looks better in some respect than other entries in its genre, go ahead and call it the best game of that type ever. If it looks worse in at least one respect, it’s the biggest disappointment since the unveiling of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker’s art style. And don’t forget handy distinctions like casual (bad) and hardcore (good). Everyone reading your review will recognize the connotations of those terms, unless, of course, they’re lame-ass casual gamers.

 

Finally, don’t forget to go heavy on superlatives, cliches and overused ‘net speak. Hyperbole, tortured fecal metaphors and OMGs serve the important function of padding your review; but they’ll also let the average gamer at home know that you’re just like them, not one of those ivory tower bastards who wastes time on considered opinions. In the long run, all games either win or fail, and those are the terms in which they should be reviewed. 

 

By following these helpful tips, you’ll be able to ensure that you loved or hated a game before anyone else. Sure, it may seem like irresponsible journalism, but don’t worry too much—after all, we all know that people only read game reviews to confirm their own biases (or the critic’s). And anyway, if comment threads on popular websites have taught us anything, it’s that being first matters more than being interesting.

By following these helpful tips, you’ll be able to ensure that you loved or hated a game before anyone else. Sure, it may seem like irresponsible journalism, but don’t worry too much—after all, we all know that people only read game reviews to confirm their own biases (or the critic’s). And anyway, if comment threads on popular websites have taught us anything, it’s that being first matters more than being interesting.If you’re keeping tabs on the parade of new games being announced at E3 this week, you’re probably dying to get your hands on some of these titles—if only to sear them with a flood of molten criticism. Believe it or not, you don’t have to wait. By following a few simple guidelines, you can turn a preview or first impression into a full blown review! Read on to find out how.

 

First, let your gut reaction determine the tone. Contrary to popular belief, this sort of stealth review doesn’t have to be negative, but positive reviews do need to lean toward uncritical gushing. After all, you’ll generally be working with thirty seconds to five minutes of video, much of which won’t even show gameplay, so nuance is a luxury you can’t afford. It’s also important to avoid optimism or pessimism. Those belong in previews, where the writer’s mind is, in theory, not made up yet. As a critic, you should already know exactly what you think.

 

Whatever that verdict is, it must be delivered in no uncertain terms. Don’t leave it up to the reader to decide where you stand—after all, there’s a reason most video game reviews have scores. But since you’ll want to couch this review as a preview in order to keep your name off of Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits, you won’t be able to include any numbers, letter grades, or even stars. Thus, negative reviews should be as snarky as possible, while positive reviews should be half-articulate ejaculations of glee. This will eliminate all possible confusion.

 

So you have your gut reaction, but  how do you turn that into a couple hundred words? The answer is paradoxical, but simple: reductionism. For example, any third-person shooter with a cover mechanic can be safely classified as a Gears of War clone if you don’t like it, or a Gears killer if you do. If a game looks better in some respect than other entries in its genre, go ahead and call it the best game of that type ever. If it looks worse in at least one respect, it’s the biggest disappointment since the unveiling of The Legend of Zelda: Windwaker’s art style. And don’t forget handy distinctions like casual (bad) and hardcore (good). Everyone reading your review will recognize the connotations of those terms, unless, of course, they’re lame-ass casual gamers.

 

Finally, don’t forget to go heavy on superlatives, cliches and overused ‘net speak. Hyperbole, tortured fecal metaphors and OMGs will pad your review; but they’ll let the average gamer at home know that you’re just like them, not one of those ivory tower bastards who wastes time on considered opinions. In the long run, all games either win or fail, and those are the terms in which they should be reviewed. 

 

By following these helpful tips, you’ll be able to ensure that you loved or hated a game before anyone else. Sure, it may seem like irresponsible journalism, but don’t worry too much—after all, we all know that people only read game reviews to confirm their own biases (or the critic’s). And anyway, if comment threads on popular websites have taught us anything, it’s that being first matters more than being interesting.