I know, I know, the last thing you want to see is yet more analysis on the crap ton of gaming news from this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3). Hundreds, if not thousands, of people on the Internet have already expressed their excitement or discontent over what they've seen. 

So I'm going to do something a little different: focus on the awards.

But not just any awards! While the mainstream press outlets will continue to scan the show floor this week to award their prestigious “Best in Show” ribbons, I've devised a very special set of criteria just for Monday's press conferences. Whether you thought they were good, bad, or just laughably awkward, I think we can all agree that each conference had its own unique moments worth talking about.

Microsoft's press conference

Theme: “Games!? Pfft. Here, let me show you what this Kinect can do.”

Microsoft was the first to come out swinging with its early Monday-morning conference, wasting no time showing off the latest interstellar adventures of Master Chief in Halo 4. Unfortunately, they were unable to keep this momentum going: The presentation quickly nose-dived when MS staff started talking about the non-gaming aspects of their console -- mainly its SmartGlass technology, Xbox Music, and fitness collaboration with Nike. Games returned to the forefront towards the last third of their presentation, but by then, the damage had already been done.

Best off-prompter commentary: Trey Parker and Matt Stone (for South Park: The Stick of Truth)

The creators of the critically acclaimed South Park TV show were a breath of fresh air: Instead of sticking to some premeditated script, they chose to go off-the-cuff with their comments. Their most brilliant moment: making fun of the SmartGlass features that MS had been heavily touting just minutes before. Bravo, guys.

Best use of wub wub: Forza Horizon

While Borderlands 2 helped kickstart the trend of dubsteb soundtracks in game trailers, Forza was the first game at E3 to throw down the wub-wub gauntlet. How many more game trailers will follow in its footsteps? Probable answer: Lots.

Best use of a bow and arrow: Tomb Raider

“Bows are very sexy right now,” said Karl Stewart, Crystal Dynamic's global brand director, when speaking with GameTrailer TV's Geoff Keighley in an interview. And boy is he right: Assassin's Creed 3, Far Cry 3, and Crysis 3 (notice another pattern?) also featured bows and arrows in their shiny sizzle trailers. But I have to give it up to the reimagined Lara Croft, who seems like she can hold her own despite facing enemies with automatic weapons. 

Best celebrity appearance: Usher (for Dance Central 3)

Poor Usher. Despite his best efforts to get the crowd going, it doesn't seem like they were feeling his music at all. Also, I don't know who Microsoft was trying to fool when Usher's onstage performance was made to look like he was playing DC3. C'mon guys -- the Kinect isn't that good. 

Electronic Arts' press conference

Theme: “Gunz 'n' Sportz. 'Nuff said.”

EA chief executive John Riccitiello greeted everyone in his best Emperor Palpatine cosplay -- those were some serious bags under his eyes -- while showing off EA's key tent-pole franchises: Crysis, Dead Space, Battlefield, Medal of Honor, FIFA, Madden, etc. Except for maybe the debut of SimCity, nothing shown was particularly new or developed as a brand new game; it appears EA is just content at maintaining it's image as an iterative triple-A publisher and developer.

Best use of music from Explosions in the Sky: SimCity

Apparently, Maxis (the studio behind the city-simulation franchise) didn't get the dubstep memo.

Best use of a virtual in-game Twitter feed: Madden NFL 13

In addition to utilizing the brand new Infinity Engine to generate dynamic animations on the field, EA is revamping Madden's single-player component with the Connected Career mode. In order to further immerse the player within his own personalized story, a special fake Twitter feed has also been implemented; real-world journalists, or at least their names, will craft Tweets based on the impact of your career. Because nothing quite says "you suck" more than an A.I. bot creating fake Tweets reminding you why you're bad every week.

Most likely to become free-to-play in a year: Star Wars: The Old Republic

While BioWare chief executive Ray Muzyka promised on stage that more compelling content is on its way to their Star Wars MMO, there was also one interesing little tidbit: Starting in July, SWTOR will be free-to-play for everyone up to level 15, much like how Blizzard's World of Warcraft allows players to play until level 20 without spending a dime. While it's a step in the right direction, I don't think they'll be able to last much longer under the standard subscription model, especially after facing a steadily declining player base and the ubiquity of F2P MMOs out in the market right now.

Best licensing swoop: EA prying the UFC license from THQ

Now here's a genuine surprise: EA cutting a multiyear and multi-title deal with the premier mixed martial arts league in the market. Previously, UFC was in bed with THQ, who produced three rather successful games under the branding of UFC Undisputed. UFC president Dana White seemed ecstatic on stage, despite talking trash about EA in years prior. Perhaps THQ's financial woes and EA's giant stack of money has finally convinced him to reconsider his position.