Every once in a while I get a really bad idea. My brilliant plan to take four of my crappy games and let you vote on which one I had to play was one such bad idea. The winner of the “contest” was actually Superman 64, but so many people commented that the game had been covered-to-death that I made the executive decision to go with the runner-up, Rugrats: Search For Reptar for the original PlayStation.

My plan wasn't to beat the game, so I decided that come hell or high water, I’d commit to this torture for an hour. No more and no less. You might think I’m a wimp for only playing for an hour, but believe me, it felt much, much, much longer.

I own the game (please don’t ask why) and a PlayStation; however, I wanted to share screenshots with you, so I played the game on an emulator (again, with the original disc). It made the graphics a little less jaggy, but I promise you that it didn’t make the game any more enjoyable.

Hit the jump to read all about how Rugrats: Search For Reptar ruined my day.

00:30 - An unexpected highlight: The a cappella rendition of "Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick-le-od-eonnnn” just played as the game loads. I love that song. Listen to a fancy remixed version here. Why do I have a feeling this is the last positive thing I’m going to have to say about this entire experience?

1:00- Just got a phone call from my fiancé, so I closed the emulator. That got rid of the picture, but the sound is still going. The Rugrats theme is playing over and over, and it won't stop. Ctrl+alt+delete does nothing to stop this. It's official: I'm in hell.

5:00 - I swear to God I'm already getting a headache. The music won't stop. I think I'm going to have to reboot my computer.

13:00 - It takes eight minutes to reboot my computer. Normally I'd complain about that, but it's eight less minutes that I have to play Rugrats.

14:00 - I can choose from Main Game, Activities, or Training. I'm going to assume that this game has very intricate objectives and controls, so I'm going to try training for a few minutes.

14:30 - "Make your way through the training level to learn the helpful skills that are needed to complete the Search for Reptar." Apparently I'm on my own when it comes to learning unhelpful skills. Either that or the game assumes I've already got a boatload of unhelpful skills at my disposal.

15:00 - Oh God, what have I done? Tommy Pickles won't stop saying "Look at all this stuff! Look at all the toys!" I'd like to point out that there's no "stuff" onscreen and there are no "toys." Also, the camera went behind this block-thing and I can't see Tommy. I haven't even touched the controller yet.

16:00 - I have to hit the square button to walk? What? Why?

16:15 - Even though the game told me I had to hit the square button to walk, I don't have to do that. This training is pretty helpful.

17:00 - Just found a cookie and Tommy told me "When I'm grumpy, a snack makes me feel better." I have a feeling that it's going to take more than a snack to make me not grumpy after playing this stinker.

17:30 – I walked up to a ball that's not much bigger than a softball and the game told me "Not all objects are climbable." My brilliant plan to climb the ball has been foiled before I ever even thought of it.

19:00 - I know about cookies making Tommy not grumpy; I know that I can't climb small balls; I know that I need to not hit square to walk. I think I'm adequately prepared for my quest to find Reptar. Let's go to the Main Game (Hey, they capitalized it, why ruin the party?), shall we?

20:00 – Tommy’s Reptar puzzle is lost and I need to find the pieces. Shouldn’t they have called the game “Search For a Reptar Puzzle” or something similar so I know that I’m going to spend the entire game looking for a stupid puzzle instead of searching for a sweet monster that destroys cities?

21:00 - It turns out that square does make Tommy walk, because he runs if you use the D-pad without pressing square. In the pre-analog days this kind of made sense, but the game didn't do a great job explaining this in English.

22:00 - Angelica stole Chuckie's glasses and now I have to play hide and seek and find Tommy, Angelica, Lil, and Phil to get his glasses back. Chuckie just said "This is terrible, though I'm not sure it would be better if I had my glasses." I couldn't have said it better myself, Chuckie.

25:00 - I have run into walls no less than 45 times the last three minutes. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or not, but Chuckie just said "The only part of me that's good at running is my nose."

26:00 - You know how long it takes babies to crawl up stairs in real life? That's about how long it takes to go up a flight of stairs in the game. Pretty fun stuff!

27:00 - I just found Lil... or Phil -- I'm not really sure. Anyway, he/she took off running and I couldn’t beat him/her to the playpen (which doubles as home-base and, oh-by-the-way isn’t actually a playpen) because I got stuck in a corner. Now I need to find him/her again.

28:00 - Tommy is "hiding" about 10 feet away from the playpen, in the middle of the room, watching TV. I tagged him, he yelled "you finded me!" and then promptly made a mad dash...right into a wall, where he got stuck. I casually made my way to the playpen. Now to get Angelica, who was "hiding" right next to Tommy.

29:00 - Is this a fake Angelica? Have I been duped? She just stands there and does nothing and I can't tag her. Hmmm, let's see what else is going on in this house of horrors.

31:00 - Just found and beat Phil/Lil (to the playpen, not physically). Now I need to find whichever one of them is left.

35:00 - I have been everywhere in this stupid house and I can't find Lil/Phil. On the plus side, I think that's the "real" Angelica in front of the TV, but I don't need to tag her because she wasn't hiding.

37:00 - The carnival/circus music that loops every 10 seconds in the background is making me so f'ing angry now. Listen to this short clip to hear the ONLY SONG IN THE DAMN GAME. If you’d like the true experience, play it over and over as you read the rest of this article.

37:30 - I'd turn the music down, but... yeah, I'm just going to turn this crap down.

39:00 - Just found a few bags of fertilizer. Perhaps I can make a homemade bomb and just put everyone out of their misery.

41:00 - I'm tired of typing Lil/Phil. Let's just assume that the androgynous freak I'm looking for is Phil.

41:30 - Chuckie scratches his ass incessantly when I stop playing the game to type my notes. He just can't stop scratching! I'm going to time how many scratches we get in one minute. Starting... now!

42:30 - Six ass scratches. I wonder how much development time went into deciding that Chuckie should scratch his butt every ten seconds when I set the controller down. Perhaps this time would have been better spent making the game playable?

45:00 - Great success! Found that little bastard Phil hiding in the corner of an upstairs bedroom. Let's ignore the fact that I checked that room three times before he magically appeared there.

46:00 - Angelica has been wearing Chuckie’s glasses and now she's complaining that she feels sick. Her dad just came in the room and said that she looks sick too. I think that was supposed to be funny? Who cares? I beat the level and earned a puzzle piece!

47:00 - Just manned-up and faced the challenge of placing two of the game's twelve puzzle pieces in their proper spots. I don't want to brag, but I'm really good at puzzles.

50:00 - Just took a two minute break to hit the bathroom. I'm counting those two minutes as part of my hour of torture because I could still hear the f'ing music blaring from across the house. I forgot to turn it back down after Angelica and her father's witty dialogue. I won't make that mistake again.

52:00- Just found a level which is represented by a sparkling box of "Fudgy Ding A Ling." Is this some sort of anal sex joke in Rugrats? I think it is. I thought some of you might have a hard time believing this, so I took this wonderful screenshot just for you non-believers.

54:00 - Now I'm wandering around the stupid house looking for the stupid second level. I just discovered that the door to the garage is now closed, which means I can't get to the fertilizer and make that bomb anymore. This game is always one step ahead of me.

54:30 - I just wanted to let you know that I decided it wasn't fair for me to turn the music down because it's not the "true" experience. I've had it turned back on for several minutes now and I'm at a loss for words as to how much it's aggravating me.

55:00 - Gross! I just found Grandpa's dentures on the bathroom floor! Second level here I come!

56:00 - Turns out that Grandpa took his dentures out because potato salad sticks to them. For some reason the cutscene abruptly stopped playing after this, but I think maybe the dog took his dentures and now I have to find them. Didn't I just find them in the bathroom though?

57:00 - Serious question: If you had to wear unwashed dentures that had been in a dog's mouth or dentures that were on a bathroom floor, which would you choose? I'd go with the dentures from the bathroom and hope that it had been mopped recently. What's your take on this?

58:00 - I'm in a hedge maze looking for dentures. I haven't yet encountered a turn where I've had a choice as to which way to go. Does this count as a maze?

59:00 - The only thing worse than controlling Tommy or Chuckie? Controlling Tommy AND Chuckie at the same time. You get twice the amount of running into walls and twice the amount of idiotic phrases randomly being yelled at maximum volume.

60:00 - Haha, the geese attack Tommy if he gets too close. This seems to be the perfect way to end my torture -- I'm going to let Tommy Pickles get "geesed" to death! Die Tommy, die!

61:00 - That was actually kind of disturbing. Both Tommy and Chuckie begged and pleaded for the goose to stop as it relentlessly attacked them. I legitimately felt bad for contributing to their demise. Oh well.

62:00 - Forgot to save the last screenshots of Chuckie and Tommy getting attacked. That wouldn't be a big deal... if I hadn't shut down the emulator without saving my game because I thought it was out of my life forever. Now I've got to start all over again just to get a few *$#&%*$-ing screens? I hate the world!

80:00 - Screenshot get. Screenshot saved. Enjoy this look at Tommy "dying" in the game -- it looks alot like me at the 80 minute mark.

And so my hour of misery with Rugrats: Search for Reptar concludes. Believe it or not, the game was actually worse than I thought it would be. At least half of my time was spent wandering around the house and bumping into walls searching for something -- anything -- to do.

Thanks to you, it's 2pm and I have yet to eat lunch, I have the game's heinous song stuck on an endless loop in my head and, yes, my day has been ruined.

Thank you so much. Let’s do this again some time, shall we?