Once again, we solicit forbidden knowledge from the best minds gaming has to offer and then splatter it all over the Internets!

The Electronic Entertainment Expo hits next week, and while the action's mostly telegraphed and choreographed to the nearest millimeter, it's the surprises that make any E3 special. Publishers announce their unannounced games, secret deals get spilled, new technologies are unveiled, and gamers start frothing for what's coming in the next 12 months.

So naturally, we're going to predict those surprises ahead of time and ruin them for everybody, because that's our job.

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"Tomonobu Itagaki will premiere his new game, Devil's Third, by firing rocket launchers into the audience, then bisecting Kevin Butler with a magical katana powered by the rage of the ancients. This may be wishful thinking on my part."

- Ryu Hayabusa, Ninja Gaiden

 

 

 

 

"I'm gonna show up at the Nintendo conference just long enough to grab whatever they've taped to the bottom of my chair. Maybe I'll fire-vomit on Reggie [Fils-Aime, Nintendo of America COO] on my way out.

- Bowser, Super Mario Galaxy 2

 

 

 

 

"They'll tease something with me in it for 2013. Maybe just my boot and some choir music. Whatever gets people to buy their fifth or sixth replacement Xbox."

- Master Chief, Halo 3

 

 

 

 

 

"The squishies at the five-hour-long Sony conference will spend the entire time chasing [Sony of America CEO] Jack Tretton around the stage with torches made from Move controllers, chanting 'You must die so PSN can live!' That's my plan, anyway."

- Dr. Nefarious, Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack in Time

 

 

 

 

"Soooo...I guess since the Wii's over and Nintendo's got a new console coming out, [Zelda creator Shigeru] Miyamoto's shoving Skyward Sword in the same drawer Starfox 2's in? I dunno, I'm an elf. They don't tell me anything."

- Link, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

 

 

 

"I can haz nother game plz? Thxkbai."

- Kirby, Kirby's Epic Yarn

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm gonna cut something! Lightning Bolt Action! Yay!"

- Raiden, Metal Gear Solid: Rising

 

 

 

 

 

 

"We'll get Kinect support for Gears 3, but you'll have to rev and swing a real chainsaw to melee."

- Anya Stroud, Gears of War 3

 

 

 

 

"Everybody's gonna show the booth babes some respect this year, especially the Vegas hookers 2K hires. That means no *** slappin', no ear ******* or **** *******-gargled ***** ******* on your ******** prehensile **** with apple-flavored ***** *** until after you've given them a fake name and number. Unless you're me, because **** that respect **** with a ****** sweaty ********."

- Duke Nukem, Duke Nukem Forever

 

 

 

"After graciously declining to reprise my character in a third BioShock video game, I've explored other avenues that allow me to take full advantage of my Royal Shakespearian training. So if I may, I'd like to take this opportunity to make an exclusive pre-E3 announcement: I've accepted a small yet substantial supporting part in Cooking Mama 4 in the role of Cooking Daddy."

- Big Daddy, BioShock 2

 

 

 

"One word: more ponchos."

- Guybrush Threepwood, The Secret of Monkey Island

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I predict my alibi will prove rock-solid when Solid Snake's body is found on the show floor with two bullet holes in his Loverboy '80s headband."

- Sam Fisher, Splinter Cell: Conviction

 

 

 

 

 

"If history's any judge, several thousand fanboys will spend a week frantically rubbing against each other, then proclaim the entire show a disappointment with an air of sophistication they don't actually have."

- Lara Croft, Tomb Raider