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Rockstar North released Grand Theft Auto 4 in mid-2008, but already the game’s digital cell phones feel like antiques befitting of my grandparents. For the recently revealed Grand Theft Auto 5, I don’t necessarily expect Whiz Wireless, Tinkle, and Badger -- the series’ fictional mobile companies -- to have devices with voice controls, à la the iPhone’s Siri. But they should at least have some modern technological features.
I mean, come on! Having a POS cell phone doesn't earn the hero any street cred. I call for upgrades like a simulated touch screen, mobile Internet, games, apps, and a hands-free-headset option. Though those improvements are unlikely to revolutionize how we interact with this installment, they would certainly improve the gameplay experience.
It struck me as I was cruising around Algonquin in a luxury sports car with GTA4 protagonist Niko Belic dressed in a $2000 suit: Why the hell am I using a cheap-ass Whiz cell phone with buttons? Buttons! Even three years ago, it gave the game a surprisingly dated feel. So I fully expect Rockstar to give GTA5’s hero something considerably more slick with a beautiful touch screen to take care of his mobile needs. But I wonder just how sophisticated and realistic they’re considering making the game’s phones, since realistically, they should also include....
Games and apps
GTA4 has that funky, block-stacking arcade game Qub3d, so will we see a mobile version in GTA5? How about a Yelp-style app to help find the best Cluckin’ Bells, drinking spots, and strip clubs? Better yet, I want an Instagram knockoff, so I can take some faux-vintage photos of all the mayhem I cause.
Well, I don’t really want to spend all of the cash I earn from hit jobs on stupid gimmicky apps. But I can’t help shake the feeling that Rockstar has something sarcastic and critical to say about the whole app industry, just like they critique TV, talk radio, and other aspects of American pop culture through their hilarious hyperbolic satire.
Hands-free headsets
Once, when I was taking out some thugs with my assault rifle in a GTA4 assassin mission, I apparently roughed up some heavily armed bystander in the process. As my Niko called his mysterious employer to inform him of the successful hit, that Second Amendment aficionado ran up and gunned me down. I tried to shoot back but couldn’t in time since I was holding my cell and not my piece.
Simple solution: in-game bluetooth headsets to allow for shooting and talking on the phone at the same time. I’m sure the digital public already thinks that the series’ protagonists are crazy considering their psychopathic tendencies. What difference does it make if the latest one appears to talk to himself?
Plus, since GTA5 is set to take place in an alternate version of California, for accuracy’s sake, the hero will need to use a hands-free headset while driving and chatting on the phone anyways -- it’s a law here...and those tickets aren’t cheap.
Mobile Internet
In GTA4, it was such a hassle having to drive all the way down to an Internet cafe just to check and send emails. I think it’s about time we caught up with the 2010s and just did all that from a mobile device. Thanks.
