I’ve recently come to terms with an ugly truth; I am the office nerd. My co-workers frequently don’t know what the hell I’m talking about and just as frequently don’t care; you try explaining Eternal Sonata to an uninterested, middle-aged Admin Assistant. Topics like weekend plans are becoming rare within a three foot radius of my cubical. While the guys on my floor are discussing the Yankees’ win, I’m reading Bitmob*. People say that I smell funny (probably unrelated). Traditionally, there’s a level of shame that comes along with being a nerd—let alone your office’s officially recognized nerd. I’m finding that, with the right attitude, I can turn this negative into a positive in several work related scenarios.
*If you’re reading this and thinking, “Reading bitmob doesn’t make me a nerd”, you’re totally wrong. Not only are you a nerd, but you’re probably your office’s/school’s/daycare’s official nerd, too. Also, this counts as ‘relating to my audience’. Technique, motherfucker.
Master Chief just happens to make the perfect business card holder. I’d consider it stupid to not take advantage of this.
Decorate your desk to minimize your TDL.
TDL stands for ‘to do list’ because everyone is not-so-secretly tweeting at work and we require an efficient way to describe what we’re blowing off. A great way to keep tasks from coming your way is to put up a bunch of game related shit to confuse the higher-ups. Keep in mind, though, that you can’t use just anything. Mario and Master Chief have become mainstream, recognizable mascots, so the pic above isn’t so much a boss deterrent as it is completely badass. I recommend going with anything Square Enix related because their characters tend to be either disturbingly childish or frighteningly androgynous. Go for both to create a work environment that no comfort zone could possibly withstand.
“Is that some kind of Teletubby? I know he doesn’t have kids… I wonder what kind of mileage his candy filled, windowless van gets.”
Run for your lives! It’s battle-armor Cher!
Never ‘talk shop’ again.
You’re on the elevator headed home on a Friday afternoon and, for the next five minutes, are stuck in close proximity to a co-worker. You have nothing in common save for your very boring careers, so your co-worker starts in about spreadsheets or similar bullshit. Think about it-- you’re off the clock. In this scenario, your co-worker is essentially stealing five minutes from your weekend for the sake of avoiding an awkward silence. Don’t let them get away with it.
If you haven’t already, buy a handheld gaming platform. Not to start a flame war or anything, but I recommend the Nintendo DS. The two screens give fellow elevator occupants two chances to see that you’re not listening to them. For additional protection, get a DSi and store some pictures of really embarrassing stuff that can pop-up any time you turn on the system. Examples: your genitals, Insane Clown Posse, lolcats, their genitals, etc.
Discover the joys of being a pariah.
Avoid invites to after-work functions.
I’ve got friends to go drinking with, and perhaps my favorite thing about those friends is that I don’t work with them. Every so often, someone at the office gets the idea that we should all be BFFs and get a drink after work. Let me drop a little transitive property on you: I love to drink, therefore I love the people I drink with, therefore I’d love my co-workers were I to drink with them. Office romances are strictly forbidden so, if anything, I’m really just a stickler for the rules.
I’ve fallen into the trap of the after work drink before. I remained offensively sober, my wife got hit on, and I ended up getting stuck with like half the tab. On top of that was the insistence by everyone that we ‘do this again sometime’. Really? I’d rate my RSVP as somewhere between ‘No’ and ‘I quit’.
The best way to avoid this fate is to be proactive. Invite others to your place for a night of Dreamcast, Cheetos, and Mountain Dew. Maybe offer to have everyone over for a marathon play-through of the Metroid Prime trilogy. Send out an e-vite for a Windows 7 launch party (there’s no way you’ll keep a straight face for an in-person invite). Once everyone knows what a damn nerd you are they’ll assume you don’t drink and will leave you out of any future plans to hit up happy hour at Chili’s. Also, should anyone actually accept your invite for any of the above activities-- Congratulations! You’re no longer the office nerd!
What happens here stays here. Until Monday, when everyone will be e-mailing about it.
The downside.
I’ve enjoyed being the office nerd via the above methods all year, but we’re coming up on December and that means Secret Santa. Having a well advertised hobby means everyone thinks they know exactly what to get you. It’s the grandma effect with a $15 cap. No joke, as recently as two years ago I’ve received a PC game on floppy disks. I think it was some variation of table top classics. Ironically, I’d have been more pleased with an actual deck of cards.
This must be from the bargain bin at Comp USA. You’re too generous!
I refuse to believe I’m the only guy on Bitmob with a Mario hat on his desk, so please share your own experiences in the comments. Then, if you’re not busy, maybe we can get a beer?
