My completely objective Resident Evil 6 review based on other reviews

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Thursday, October 04, 2012
EDITOR'S NOTEfrom Jason Lomberg

I can affirm, without a trace of hyperbole, that this review is one million-times better than anything I've read on Resident Evil 6. Anyone who disagrees with me is obviously a shill for Capcom or -- for the haters out there -- didn't receive their payoff money. Oh ... and don't forget to bring your sense of humor.

I recently read through many of the Resident Evil 6 reviews, so I feel qualified to give you my critique of this blockbuster title. Let me start off by saying that I haven't played the game or the demo. I believe playing it before reviewing it will give me an unfair bias toward the game.

Let's start with Gamespot. They gave the game a 45/100. WOW. These guys are garbage. These guys obviously didn't play the game, either. I mean Game Informer gave RE6 an 88/100. Gamespot said that while the narrative is good, everything else sucks. I honestly don't get why people still go to this publication.

I mean c'mon; the reviewer says that the quick-time events are too long. How is that a bad thing? Quick-time events are soooo much fun. They also said that the game's set pieces are mediocre. I doubt that is true. But let's move on to a much more qualified publication.

 

Resident Evil 5

Like I said before, Game Informer gave the game an 88/100. Now this is more like it. They praised the narrative and amazing, blockbuster set pieces. They even compared it to a Michael Bay movie, so you know it has to be good.

Then the reviewer goes and blows it. He says, "Resident Evil 5 is one of the greatest two-player co-op games of this generation, and Resident Evil 6 belongs on that list as well." I think it is pretty obvious this guy was paid off by Capcom.

I mean, c'mon; Resident Evil 5 was horrible. There is no way that a professional critic could ever like that game. Well, Game Informer is nothing but a bunch of greedy frauds who don't care about integrity. I bet this explains why Gamespot gave the game such a low score. Capcom didn't offer them any money, so they went ahead and rated the game poorly. 

How about the mighty IGN? They ranked the game 79/100. WOW! Really, IGN? 79?? You couldn't give the game an 80? At least then it would be a good game and not just mediocre. The reviewer said the game was bigger but not better. That doesn't make any sense because the developers wanted the game to be bigger. I think it is clear that IGN doesn't know what they are talking about, either. 

This is the problem with video game journalism. Resident Evil 6 ranked from as low as 30/100 to as high as 95/100. If a game is good and gets a high rating from one publication, then the title is obviously exemplary, and the other critics who gave negative reviews don't know what they are talking about.

So here comes my score ... which is based on other scores, of course. And the only score that truly matters is the highest one. Especially if I agree with it or like the game (again, without having played it). So NZGamer are the only ones who know what they are doing. They gave Resident Evil 6 a 95/100. So, in turn, I give Resident Evil 6 95 zombies out of 100.

 
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Comments (10)
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October 04, 2012

This is genius, I love this review!

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October 04, 2012

I must admit, I do love this review: the false snide and the glibness totally sold it for me. Considered you followed, sir.

 

The only suggestion I'd say is to lose the zombies line at the end, because even though it's thematic, it creates this wierd, clashing tone at the end. It's hard for me to explain it. Good article regardless.

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October 04, 2012

What if we already had played it and shared these sentiments?

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October 04, 2012

Playing the game usually makes you biased. But if you agree, it's OK.

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October 04, 2012

That's all that matters. ;)

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October 04, 2012
Lol. Best. Review. Ever.
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October 04, 2012

You forgot to include the Pros and Cons section.

Con: No “Jill Sandwich” or “Master of Unlocking” dialogue.

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October 04, 2012

Thank you all for the great responses. I wasn't sure if anyone would like this huge piece of Troll. 

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October 04, 2012

Some would argue that it takes no skill to sarcastically berate something but as an individual who is frequently ironically sarcastic I see this for what it is, a brilliant satire on the rediculously absurd fixation gamers have with review scores.

Loved it.

100media_imag0065
October 04, 2012

Great, fun read. Some of the most ignorant comments I have ever read came from some high profile reviews. My favorite one happens to be one I memorized. I never wanted to forget it. It read as follows. "Excuse me Mr. X, but when you are done shitting on a game you've obviously played very little of, how about re-writing this review and taking your ignorant "opinions" out of it. Opinions have no place in a professional review."

What was great about that comment, was the outspoken author of said review actually replied to him with something I didn't quite memorize but it basically went like this. "Mr. X, you are right, and we apologize. We here at X have discussed your remarks, and have decided to remove all opinions from all future reviews we write. From this day forth, our reviews will be known as "previews", and we will simply tell you what is in the game, how long the game is, and what kind of downloadable content may be coming out for it. We are ahsmaed to have let our vile opinions tarnish an otherwise perfectly goo review of this game"

Sometimes, commenters are so dense, so absolutely devoid of even basic common sense, that you can't help but die a little inside when you read what some of these people say. Or laugh...You can laugh and die a little at the same time...As for the terrible RE6 reviews, I agree with them. What a terrible, terrible waste of time and money. The game is so amateur, it feels as if Capcom hired about 500 people who have never played an action game before, and told them to make one.

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