Editor's note: The Disgruntled Vegetable's back, and in this issue, the DV reports on a gluttony controversy in video game land. I thought Kirby's supposed to be a nice...well, whatever he is. -Jason
CONEY ISLAND, N.Y. — The world’s first Fictional Characters Eating Competition ended anticlimactically yesterday, as the judges ruled that the methods used to consume the food by the one of the favored competitors, “Pink-Puffball” Kirby, did not actually constitute as “eating.”
Kirby and his longtime rival, “Dastardly Dino” Yoshi, were the final two contestants after the elimination of over 20 other imaginary entities. After over an hour and a half of feasting, in which the opponents devoured 100 hot dogs, 75 pizzas (including crust), and enough chocolate fudge to cover the state of New Hampshire, the two adversaries were nearing the end. Just over halfway through their 1,000-cookie quota, however, one of the judges stepped into the arena to explain their decision to the crowd.
A snapshot of “Dastardly Dino” Yoshi
right before the competition ended.
“As impressive as his performance was today, we cannot ignore the fact that Kirby was not actually ‘eating’ the food presented to him,” the head judge told the press. “Rather, his technique is more accurately described as ‘inhaling’ it into what we can only assume is some sort of unquenchable void. Thus, our only option was to award Yoshi the win.”
An extremely disappointed Kirby retaliated, shouting, “That’s how I eat! I spent thousands of hours throughout my life perfecting this god-given ability, and to say that what I do to consume food is ‘wrong’ compared to another form of ingestion is just pure discrimination. The inside of my body is basically just one big mouth!”
He also vented his rage at his rival, complaining, “I mean, come on! Look at his tongue! It must be at least 30 feet long! How does it even fit in his body? Is that fair to the other competitors?”
Added the pink puffball, “You can bet that you’ll be hearing from my lawyers very soon.”
Kirby attempts to peacefully persuade
one of the judges. It doesn't end well.
Despite this controversy, Kirby wasn't the only contestant disqualified from the competition. “Lord of Gnarliness” Bowser was quickly dismissed after the competition began when judges discovered he had taken an illegal performance-enhancing “lucky mushroom” and was employing two miniature plumbers in his stomach to help with digestion.
During the closing ceremony, Yoshi received a large gold trophy and 100 extra lives. When asked what he'd do with his prize, Yoshi said, “I think I’m going to stand on top of a castle for a while and give it all away to the first person to find me.”
In a completely unrelated topic, authorities are baffled as to the cause of the mountain of green-spotted eggs that mysteriously appeared in the arena during the competition. After attempting to scramble a few, police noticed they were filled with random bits of hot dogs, pizzas, chocolate, and cookies.
“If anyone wants some of them, come on down and grab a few,” offered Police Chief Ziggum. “If not, we'll probably...I don't know...drop 'em off a tall building or something....”
Green Dinosaur Wins Eating Contest Due To Disqualification
CONEY ISLAND, NY—The world’s first ever Fictional Characters Eating Competition ended anticlimactically yesterday, as the judges ruled that the methods used to consume the food by the one of the favored competitors, “Pink-Puffball” Kirby, did not actually constitute as “eating.”
Kirby and long-time rival, “Dastardly-Dino” Yoshi, were the final two contestants left after the elimination of over twenty other imaginary entities. After over an hour and a half of feasting, in which the opponents devoured one hundred hot dogs, seventy-five pizza pies (including crust), and enough chocolate fudge to cover the state of New Hampshire, the two adversaries were nearing the end. Just over halfway through their one-thousand cookie quota, however, one of the judges finally stepped into the arena to explain their decision to the crowd.
A snapshot of “Dastardly-Dino” Yoshi right before the competition ended
“As impressive as his performance was today, we cannot ignore the fact that Kirby was not actually ‘eating’ the food presented to him,” the head judge told the press. “Rather, his technique is more accurately described as ‘inhaling’ it into what we can only assume is some sort of unquenchable void. Thus, our only option was to award Yoshi the win.”
An extremely disappointed Kirby retaliated, shouting, “That’s how I eat! I spent thousands of hours throughout my life perfecting this God-given ability, and to say that what I do to consume food is ‘wrong’ compared to another is just pure discrimination. The inside of my body is basically just one big mouth!” He also vented his rage at his rival, complaining, “I mean come on! Look at his tongue! It must be at least thirty feet long! How does it even fit in his body? Is that fair to the other competitors?”
Added the pink puffball, “You can bet that you’ll be hearing from my lawyers very soon.”
Kirby attempted to peacefully persuade one of the judges. It did not end well.
Despite this controversy, Kirby was not the only contestant to be disqualified. “Lord of Gnarliness” Bowser was quickly dismissed after the competition began, when judges discovered he had taken an illegal performance-enhancing “lucky mushroom” and was employing two miniature plumbers in his stomach to help with digestion.
During the closing ceremony, Yoshi was awarded a large gold trophy and one hundred extra lives. When asked what he would do with his prize, Yoshi was quoted saying, “I think I’m going to stand on top of a castle for a while and give it all away to the first person to find me.”
In a completely unrelated topic, authorities are baffled as to the cause of the mountain of green-spotted eggs that mysteriously appeared in the arena during the competition. After attempting to scramble a few, police noticed they were filled with random bits of hot dogs, pizzas, chocolate, and cookies.
“If anyone wants some of them, come on down and grab a few,” offered Police Chief Ziggum. “If not, we'll probably...I don't know...drop 'em off a tall building or something...”
