Editor's note: Although I don't much care for leaderboards and can civilly play games with my wife, I laughed all the way through these five ways to kill the fun. And I've never reached for the mute button faster than when some over-privileged pre-teen with a superiority complex decides to pipe up. -Rob
The reasons we play games are varied, but most of the time we indulge our favorite pastime to kick back and have some fun.
If any activity isn't fun, the effort better lead to learning a new skill. Otherwise, the boredom should be traded for a little delayed gratification -- like getting laid or a burrito.
And this is why I emphasize the importance of this list to avoid the easiest ways to "kill the fun" -- along with their exceptions.
5. Playing in a vacuum
Half the fun in playing a game is the bragging, leaderboard chasing, and story-sharing.
What is the point in remotely detonating a metric-fuck-ton (the technical term) of plastic explosives that have been strategically planted on motorcycles that were also miraculously driven to the top of an office complex's roof and watching as one of said motorcycles randomly slams into a panhandler if you can't tell your friends about it?
That was a difficult sentence to write -- just imagine actually performing the stunt.
We want to compare and contrast our adventures with people who have common experiences. Nothing kills an Xbox Live Arcade game faster than when people stop leaderboard chasing.
The exception: Misanthropes, though even they can have a surprising amount to say about games if you're willing to listen.
4. Playing with your significant other
Look -- on paper, this sounds like a great way to spend time together while never putting down the controller. In practice, it never goes smoothly.
"You need to go through that door. No, that door. No! Turn around...stop. Stop! Would you just...ah! Give me the controller!"
Sound familiar? No, well then you've never let someone else play games with you, paddle hog.
For the rest, you should know that letting the girl or boy in the game and then watching over the shoulder is painful. If you can keep your mouth shut, then the situation will be salvageable. Sure, he or she may still take umbrage with your scoffing and stifled laughter, but the situation will only result in sleeping on the couch if you can't resist from "helping."
The exception: My girlfriend! Nothing we have ever done has ever been unpleasant, especially if she is reading this. Looooove you.
The trusty old couch. Oh, the memories...the painful memories.
3. Play online
Oh, that Internet -- such a pleasant land filled with e-scholars and little gentlemen. That is until they are fed chocolate milk after midnight, at which point they turn into demon hell-spawns incapable of reason, civility, or speaking in a low pitch.
By now, everyone knows that even the best online games can be filled to the brim with the worst online experiences. This can all be avoided by having friends, but those require a lot of upkeep and kindness, which isn't fun in a completely different way.
The easiest way these vampires can suck the enjoyment out of a fun experience is to get ensnared in their traps. They are filthy creatures desperate for attention their parents, whom are all crackheads, have never given them. If you begin arguing with, talking to, or humoring one, you are simply pouring water on the gremlin and asking for more.
The exception: The trolls that make a game hell for everyone else, though whether their souls have the capacity to feel joy is still uncertain.
2. Play against someone who is way better or way worse than you
Competitive games are only worth a pair of players' time when the match is actually competitive. Otherwise, you are going to have the angry dad from apartment 3C wondering why his 8-year-old daughter is in her room crying about something called a "Dragon punch."
Sure, winning is fun, but the flavor is lost when zero chance of losing materializes. The opposite is true as well -- who wants to continually play the best player in the world? You want about an equal chance to win as you do to lose. A good risk-to-reward ratio is important and fun.
The exception: Masochists, older brothers (only if they are the better player), and sadists.
1. Write a strategy guide or participate in quality assurance
The number one sure-fire way to kill the fun of any game is to repeatedly play in quick succession for the purpose of getting information from each play-through.
This doesn't just kill the fun, but the exercise can become mentally uncomfortable as you go through the same routines day-in and day-out for the benefit of others. Just about anything can become tedious when it's a job.
To all the strategy guide authors and QA testers out there, we thank you and pour a drink into the soil for all the hours you lost to a game that you would have otherwise loved.
The exception: Freak fans -- GameFAQs is filled with them. Sure, there are those guys that just copy-and-paste an official guide, but a lot of those guides are labors of love. To you fans, thank you, but stay away. You scare me.
