Gunstar Heroes, developed by Treasure and released in 1993 for the Sega Genesis is an amazing video game. One of the best ever, to be more specific. In fact, there was a study by world-renowned awesomologist Alejandir P. Feelgüd that found Gunstar Heroes contained more radness per second than had ever been recorded at that time. It has it all: explosions, an endless army of robots to fuel said explosions, customizable weapons, anime art style, solid co-op play and rockin’ 16-bit tunes. What it also had was awesome bosses with hilarious names. This is their tribute.

Shortly into the first level (which is apparently a village of leprechauns who are being terrorized by punk-ass robots who are burning their houses for no reason) we meet our first mini-boss: Papaya Dance. Papaya Dance, despite what you may initially think, is not a tropical fruit nor associated with swaying awkwardly to music. Papaya Dance bears a striking similarity to a 3-story-tall asparagus, which shoots pollen and caterpillar pods for some reason. It doesn’t move either. It just stands there, and you beat it by standing under it and shooting straight up. Really, they could have chosen any two words at random, like Banjo Octopus or Ketchup Receptacle and it would have made just as much sense as Papaya Dance.

But it gets better.

Later on in the same level you come across Bravoo Man, who sounds like a pretty groovin’ superhero. He’s a pretty valiant example of the cutting-edge 3D technologies the Genesis. I to this day can’t figure out what the hell his head is supposed to be. One of his special moves is the “Dragon Punch,” which is exactly what you think it’d be. The special move of Treasure’s legal team is apparently dodging lawsuits from Capcom.

Skipping ahead to the fourth level, we come to the Dice Palace, which requires you to roll a die to advance across what in any other instance would be the easiest board game ever. Every space labeled “FIGHT” has you fighting against a mini-boss which I figure was a creative way to cram even more awesome into a game with only 8 levels.

One of these is Melon Bread, who sounds delicious. He’s a floating face, and I honestly don’t know what his attacks are because you can kill him with two jump kicks and it literally takes longer to read this sentence than it does to finish him off. I always feel really bad too, because I imagine him being a pretty okay guy. He seems like the kind of guy that once you got to be friends, he’d always back you up and laugh at your jokes that really aren’t that funny, but he’s your bud and he really just enjoys your company. Now I feel like an asshole for jump-kicking him so much. I wish there was a hug button. 

Another colorful denizen of the Dice Palace is Abarenbou Gel. I always thought it was a nonsense name, but I’ve recently, through the magic of the internet, come to learn that abarenbou is Japanese for delinquent. I don’t know what a gel can do to be classified as delinquent, though. Skip classes at Gel University? Make someone’s hair fall down instead of stand up? Dry out? All it does is rock band and forth, hop a little bit, and poop out a baby gel that explodes. I suppose that’s delinquent, but really in a game where robots set leprechaun houses on fire that seems like small potatoes.

Last, but certainly not least, is the bane of any aspiring Gunstar hero’s existence, Curry and Rice. Curry and Rice is the only boss where you can’t use your gun, and also the only boss you seem to fight EVERY TIME YOU PLAY THE GODDAMN DICE PALACE. Seriously. If you’re lucky enough to sneak past that square, you can bet your perfectly sculpted ass you’re landing on the square that sends you back to start. THEN you’ll fight him. It’s only one enemy, but he has two names. It’s an interesting buck of tradition, where people think they’re too good for a first and last name and instead opt for one, like Madonna or Cher or Alf. Anyway, he’s a pain in the ass because if you jump at him, he waves his arms like he’s in a girl fight. Then he does this crazy flip that knocks you over. In one last act of douchebaggery, once you beat him, his head falls off and explodes, which will kill you if you're too close. I was not aware of this during our first encounter, and my young self discovered exciting new profanities that day.

In conclusion, Gunstar Heroes is an awesome game with an insurmountable amount of charm, and you should play it. If you don't have an old Genesis lying around, it’s on Virtual Console, Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network.