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Editor's note: Pull up a chair and enjoy Travis' hilarious commentary on Duke Nukem Forever, Mario Kart, and the PSP Go. This is must-read material! -Shoe
Not too long ago, I wrote How to Make a Gamer Laugh to universal praise (from the dozen folks kindly enough to comment -- thanks guys). Riding high on this critical acclaim, I’ve decided to delve deep again into the nerd psyche for more potential ice breakers. Bust any of these subjects out and the smelly kid from school will be following you around in no time.
“OMFGPSPGOLOL!” -- Smelly Kid
In 1997, developer 3D Realms announced a sequel for their popular (?) Duke Nukem franchise. Since then, they’ve been watching porn, ordering pizzas, and ignoring absolutely any sort of development work. They’ve procrastinated for 12 years, gone through three different publishers, and were recently sued by Take 2 for criminal laziness. On top of that, Director George Broussard could give a shit. He’s been quoted on several occasions as saying the game will be done “when it’s done.”
The 3D Realms team hard at work.
I attended a public university, so I know a thing or two about procrastination, and let me tell you, 3D Realms is doing it wrong. You’re not supposed to publicly admit that you’re sleeping 'til noon and splicing the dramatic prairie dog into Benjamin Button -- you’re supposed to lie.
Tell them you had the finished product on your home PC but, gosh darnit, a dastardly thief broke into your apartment and only stole your computer. E-mail Take 2 and tell them you’re all done and that the full game is attached -- but don’t attach anything. I alternated between these two excuses with every professor I've ever dealt with and never had any problems. C's get degrees, George.
I find this to be effective to bring up whenever you’re dealing with a lazy nerd. Next time the clerk at GameStop is taking 20 minutes to push pre-orders on you rather than fetching your used copy of The Urbz: Sims in the City, remind him he doesn’t work at 3D Realms and should do his damn job. Every gamer in the store will instantly friend you on Xbox Live, and you’ll get to make a GameStop employee cry. As an added bonus, maybe you’ll finally learn to use Amazon, n00b.
Last-Place Lightning
Anyone who’s ever played a Mario Kart game can tell you Nintendo made a real effort to include players that are borderline mentally handicapped. If you’re in first place, the game hands you things like standard turtle shells (none of that fancy red Koopa technology) and banana peels. Not the cartoon banana peels that can fell the mightiest of Tiny Toons. Nope, you get a real-life banana peel capable of sullying the road and maybe making a Native American cry. The game literally hands you garbage; it’s almost worth swerving around the ? blocks to avoid picking it up as your power-up.
It looks pretty happy for being utterly useless and only halfway up the food pyramid.
On the other hand, if you’re bad enough at video games to hit last place, the game gives you an arsenal powerful enough to make a Tom Clancy novel blush. Bear in mind that, in order to end up in last place, you’ll first need to be passed by at least one princess, an undead turtle, and maybe even an infant version of yourself. Purposely taking last place in order to control the best power-ups sounds like a good idea, but I’ve yet to meet a person strong willed enough to be bested by Toad and not want to die rather than face the shame. And I’ve met Batman.
I can’t believe it’s really him!
At the back of the order, Mario Kart gives you shit like a nuke encased in a spiky blue shell with wings. Maybe Bowser’s cabal thought if they used a garish enough container, they could sneak a bomb onto a plane. I don’t know, but I can tell you the thing homes in on the racer in first place and detonates, taking out at least the four leading players in the process. Some might call this cheap; I call it grounds to end a friendship, Ashley.
If you somehow manage to sink to last place and stay there a while, Nintendo also offers a catch-up device to fit your (special) needs. Last Place Lightning zaps every other player and miniaturizes them, so they have half their speed and can be ran over easily. Should you see the little lightning bolt pop up on the top of your screen, go find a mirror -- there’s a solid chance you’re actually four toddlers sitting on each others shoulder's pretending to be an adult. Congrats on fooling people for this long!
You can drop this anytime you’re dealing with a fantastically inept gamer. Like the guy who picks up the needler in Halo or the one who’s jamming on the red fret in Rock Band, sending everyone back to the main menu. Let them know there’s no Last Place Lightning on the Xbox 360 or PS3, so they’d better nut up. Pepper in words like “you’re,” “a,” “total,” and “bitch” for added emphasis.
A bitch total you’re.
Sony’s business plan re: PSP Go
Before E3 this year, Sony was the proud owner of video gaming’s worst kept secret: another redesign of the PSP. Speculation pointed toward a completely new system with two analog nubs and more power than the existing PSP models. The same speculation that once indicated Sega’s Dreamcast would be a success, investment banks would remain solvent, and Joss Whedon could put together another decent television show.
Everyone was wrong. Sony accidentally (or in business terms: “totally on purpose”) leaked info a week prior to E3 about the PSP Go, another version of the handheld with a smaller, sliding screen and shoulder buttons featuring new EasyBreak™ technology. They also stripped the UMD drive out, so current PSP owners would need to re-buy all of their existing games and movies via Sony’s digital distribution store.
Sex sells, team. Ergo, we need to fuck every current and potential PSP owner. Fuck them in the wallet.
Internet nerds, usually a calm, docile lot, reacted strongly to both the “upgrade” and the price tag. As if losing access to your currently library of media wasn’t enough, the PSP Go is a full 50 bucks more than the previous top-of-the-ine model with included UMD drive. Paying someone 50 bucks to take a disc drive from you is like paying 50 bucks to get kicked in the taint: The only people willing to shell out the cash have a really weird sexual fetish (not that I’m not interested).
Give this one a go (pun 100% not intended...alright maybe 99%) anytime you’re getting ripped off, like when you bought that Betamax player or any one of the eight varieties of memory sticks. Sony, go grab some ketchup packets and napkins: You’ve just been served by a part-time blogger.
I’m hitting these references at the height of their popularity. Next time I might try out a Drumline joke.
