Pokémon Trainers are Disturbed and Depraved, Part III
The Home Stretch
Leaving Professor Oak and his dangling genitalia behind, I made haste for Viridian City, running as fast as my exhausted legs would carry me. I knew that the town couldn’t be more a mile or two at most, and I thought I could make it there if I kept a reasonable pace. As much of a quack as the old Professor might have been, though, he was right about one thing: there were wild Pokémon out here.
It wasn’t that they represented any real threat. We weren’t talking about fearsome dragons or giant four-foot wasps with drill-stingers for arms. The only creatures I encountered as I ran, heart racing, were dozens of small brown pigeons and purple rats. They nipped at my heels and fluttered in my face, trying to trip me up and knock me down for no discernible reason. Well, as that fat ass of an editor likes to say, “When the going gets tough, the tough get dirty.”
“Onix! Kill these little fuckers!”
The giant stone leviathan, still following faithfully behind me and struggling in no way to keep up with my pathetic pace, took great pleasure at my command. With an unsettling roar he darted off ahead of me, cutting deep troughs in the fields of grass ahead of me. I heard the telltale signs of his destruction: terrible squawks and howls from the creatures he was mercilessly crushing. With the path ahead of me now clear, I was free to run unfettered by these dirty little animals.
Finally, after a solid half-hour of sprinting, I found myself at the edge of Viridian City. As with the little hamlet I had just fled from, there was not much to this town. There was a store, a medical establishment and a small residence or two. These, however, were of no concern to me. I had my eyes planted firmly on my destination: the Viridian City Pokémon Gym. As I stood at the edge of town, chest caving and expanding as I caught my breath, I noticed some of the citizens staring wide-eyed at me.
I realized what a mess I must have been. Ratatta and Pidgey blood stained my legs and arms and there was a riled-up Onix towering up behind me. Not wanting to cause a scene, I dusted myself off and hesitantly returned my charge to his storage unit. I started off towards the gym determinedly. The citizens were sure to give me a wide birth, except for one of the local homeless. As I neared closer, I realized this vagrant was going to try to speak to me.
“You there, sonny! Can you spare some change?”
“Back off, old man! I’m on an assignment!”
“You look like you might be a trainer!”
“What an astute observation. Buzz off.”
“Would you like me to teach you how to catch a Pokémon?”
What I'm sure the old man had in mind.
I could see this wasn’t going to end easy, and I didn’t have time nor change to spare for the old hobo. I fixed him with my wildest stare and gave him a shove.
“I said fuck off, old man! Can’t you see I’ve already got a Pokémon? Why in the hell would I need you to show me how to catch one?”
He looked up at me from the ground, astounded. Truth be told, I really had no idea how to catch a wild Pokémon, though I didn’t much care.
“Just trying to make an honest buck, asshole.”
I spit on him and continued towards the gym. It didn’t look like anyone had been near the building in weeks. As I neared closer, I saw there was a sign posted on the door. This did not bode well.
A Startling Discovery
This was just my luck. After all the shit I’d been through, of course the gym is closed. For all I know, he’s off slaughtering gym leaders in some far-off region. Maybe I never even had a shot. The sign on the door said “Out for Lunch”, but the dilapidated state of the building clearly indicated that no one had been here in days, maybe weeks. I was just about to give up and stalk off in search of the nearest watering hole when I heard something crashing around inside the gym.
I was through knocking. Everyone in this country seems just fine with you strolling right into their humble abodes, anyway. But I wasn’t just going to kick the door down. The sounds coming from behind these heavy wooden doors didn’t seem like anything I’d want to run headlong into. I brought forth my Onix and told him to knock the door down. He was all but happy to oblige. He reared up and charged forward, the door not even putting up a fight. I followed in after him, and all the whiskey in the world could never make me forget what I saw as I stepped through those doors, not as long as I live.
Full of thugs.
Decrepit as it was, the gym was far from empty. Gone were the drug-addled hippies and electro-fetish freaks of Vermillion City, replaced by about a dozen thugs running frantically around the confines of the dojo. They were dressed entirely in black, every article of clothing emblazoned with a gigantic red “R”, presumably some sort of gang symbol. They were so engaged in their horrendous activities that they apparently hadn’t even noticed me busting down their front door.
The gym was lined with cages, the cages themselves lined with newspapers. Or, at least, what used to be newspapers. Before they got shit and pissed on for what must have been weeks at a time without being changed. Nearly half of the cages were full with some of the most pitiful, tortured creatures I’ve ever seen in my life. There were dozens of species, most of which I was unable to identify, given my layman’s status in the world of Pokémon. There were the yellow rats I had seen in Vermillion and half a dozen different kinds of birds. There were also turtles and even a few lizards that appeared to be on fire. Whether or not this was their natural state, I had no idea.
The cage next to my immediate right contained a small rat, his purple fur matted and bloody – smeared also with his own feces. He looked like he had all but given up on escaping; presumably he was just waiting for death. His pitiful, watery eyes expressed only a desire for mercy. I reached down to unlock his cage and his demeanor changed with lightning speed. If my hand had been any closer, I’d be less a few fingers. He began growling frantically and rattling against his cage, frothing at the mouth trying to tear my flesh apart. I kicked his cage with a snarl of my own. All of this was too much for my Onix. He roared and these Hells’s Angel’s wannabes finally took notice of me. They rapidly closed the distance and surrounded me. Two large rock creatures rolled behind me to block the door.
The whole place was full of 'em!
“Hey! Who the hell are you! Are you a trainer?”
“No, you dumbshit. I’m a reporter. I’m here doing a story.”
He clearly hadn’t expected this response.
“Bullshit. What’s with the Onix?”
“Can’t really get around these parts without a creature of some sort.”
“I suppose. Well, we can’t really let you out of here, not after what you’ve seen.”
“And what exactly have I seen?”
“Only the foremost Pokémon breeding operation in all of Kanto. We breed ‘em fierce and ready to fight. The meanest sons of bitches the world has ever seen.”
As disgusting as the whole sight was, it wasn’t why I came.
“I’m not here to expose your little underground fighting ring. I’m here to do a story on Red. I thought he was the gym leader here.”
“And how am I supposed to believe that?”
“I guess you’ll just have to trust me.”
“Well, we can’t just let anybody through to the gym leaders. If you want to see Red and Blue, you’ll have to defeat us in battle.”
God damn it. I had had just about as much as I could take of these freaks and their Pokémon duels. A whole country full of scumbags who’d rather let snakes and giant insects fight their battles for them. What I wouldn’t give for a good old-fashioned fist fight right about now. I don’t think I could take all of them and their Pokémon at once, but fortunately my Onix wasn’t the only thing I’d brought on my trip.
As the thugs closed in on me, I reached behind my pack and pulled from the waistband of my shorts a long-barreled .357 Magnum. I leveled it at the dirt-bag I thought was the leader and pulled back the hammer. I could practically taste the stench as they all shit themselves where they stood. It might have been the first real gun any of them had ever seen.
“I’m through battling. I’m going to get this story, or I’m going to blow your motherfucking heads off. Every last one of you, thug and giant purple cobra alike.”
I was through playing games.
“Okay, man. Sheesh. Lighten up.”
They all parted like the Red Sea.
“He’s back there. He just got back from the Unknown Dungeon. Through that door and down the stairs. Follow ‘em down to the basement.”
“If it’s an unknown dungeon, how’d he find it?”
The criminal merely shrugged.
Finally, things were looking up. “Onix! Keep an eye on these assholes.”
Seeing Red
I strolled past the cages and the fighting rings, trying my best not to slip on the many instances of fur, blood and shit covering the floor. I finally reached the back corner of the gym where the stairs were. The path down was dark, but it was intermittently lit up with flashes of blue light. There was laughter, and repressed memories of Vermillion Gym came rushing back. I decided to take it slow and make sure I wasn’t stumbling into another pleasure den.
As I crept down the stairs, I became aware of some presences in the room ahead. Two people, males – probably Red and Blue. There was another, though – it spoke with a very deep, masculine voice, but it didn’t quite seem human. Or was it speaking at all? It wasn’t echoing like the other voices I had heard. Tiptoeing, I had finally reached the end of the stairs. I was careful not to make a sound as I peeked around the corner. Again, the horrors of this world had not yet failed to shock me.
Red and Blue were there alright – and they were holding hands. Rivals turned best friends, I guess maybe it wasn’t too strange that they were affectionate. After all, they had known each other since childhood and this was a strange land. Then they kissed. Deeply, and on the lips. I heard the smack.
The two lovers.
“He’s beautiful, Red. What a wonderful engagement present. But are you sure he’s safe?”
Okay, so maybe they were more than friends. Unexpected, but I’m an open-minded guy. What had shocked me wasn’t the deep and loving relationship between two of the fiercest Pokémon trainers on the continent, but the “gift” they were discussing – some sort of white and purple Pokémon strapped to a table.
“Oh, he’s safe enough. The electric shocks emitted by the table keep him from using his psychic powers when we don’t want him to. But he’s a wily bastard. Took me nearly 70 Ultra-balls to capture him. I lost five Pikachu’s before I was able to stun him.”
“I’m so sorry, Red. I know how you love your little Pikachu’s.”
“It’s okay. I’ll just get some more from your Grandpa.”
This Pokémon to which they were casually referring was one of the meanest looking sonofabitch I had ever seen. He looked like some sort of deformed humanoid feline. He had a long tail and some sort of a tube jutting out of the back of his head and reentering his body at the base of his spine. I heard the deep, baritone voice again and I realized exactly what was happening. This creature was speaking – telepathically.
“PLEASE. LET ME GO. PLEEEASE.”
Red and Blue both had a good laugh at this. Fuck it, I thought. No story was worth this.
“YOU THERE. WITH THE SUNGLASSES AND THE GUN. FREE ME AND YOUR REWARD SHALL BE GREAT.”
“I…uhhh….”
But it was too late. Red and Blue had already wheeled around to face me. It was Blue that spoke first.
“Who the fuck are you?! How the hell did you get down here?”
“I…uhh…”
Red was not as quick to shock as his boyfriend, however. He fixed me with a wry smile.
“Look at the size of the fucking hand cannon, Blue. It’s pretty clear how he got down here.”
“Those Rocket thugs are such pussies. Giving up as soon as someone comes packing. Don’t they know how many bullets it takes to bring down a Rhydon?”
Red shook his head, chuckling in agreement.
We can't stop here! This is Mewtwo country!
“I WILL NOT BE IGNORED. I AM THE MOST POWERFUL POKÉMON IN THE WORLD. YOU WILL FREE ME OR FEEL MY WRATH!”
“Shut up, freak,” Red muttered as he pushed a giant red button on a nearby console. The strange creature’s body convulsed with electricity and he was silent once again. “So. You came all this way, man. There something we can help you with, stranger?”
“I’m here to…do a story on the hotshot Pokémon Champion Red.”
He seemed genuinely surprised at this.
“Seriously.”
“Yeah?”
“That Pokémon League shit was like…fifteen years ago man. Nobody cares anymore.”
Blue agreed. “Where the hell are you from, man?”
“America. We, uhh…we’re a little behind the times.”
“No shit.”
“So, you don’t want to do an interview?”
“No, man. Just plagiarize some of the old shit. Nobody will know the difference.”
This was not exactly what I had expected. If I came home with anything other than the scoop on what this guy had been up to in the last decade I’d be looking at a pink slip.
“Well, maybe I’ll just do a story on this whole little operation you’ve got going on here.”
“I thought you might say that.”
Suddenly I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Those damn Rocket thugs.
“How the hell did you get past my Onix? What did you do to the giant bastard?”
“Guess you didn’t see the Venusaur in the corner, huh?”
Things had gone to shit quick. I was panicking and I had to think fast. I leveled my gun at Red.
“I’m walking out of here or I’ll blow your fucking head off, man.” He only laughed.
“The shit I’ve seen, you’d be doing me a favor, pal.”
Two large pairs of hands seized me from behind, knocking me off balance. In my fragile state of mind, my finger pulled the trigger. The shot ricocheted off the cement ceiling, burying itself deep inside the wall full of electronics behind Red and Blue. All the blinking lights and humming sounds went ominously silent.
"Oh, shit."
“NOW YOU PATHETIC HUMANS SHALL KNOW THE WRATH OF MEWTWO.”
To refer to the blinding headache I instantly found myself in the grips of as the worst migraine I had ever experienced would be an understatement. I fell to the floor and held the sides of my head as if it was going to burst. After what felt like it could have been an eternity, the pain subsided and I regained my sight. The latter was not necessarily a good thing.
I wouldn't try my luck, pal.
Looking around as I regained my footing, I realized how close I had come to death. Red, Blue and the thugs who had come to accost me had apparently suffered from the same horrible migraine that I had – only their heads actually had exploded. There were bits of skull and brain smeared on the walls, the floor and my clothes. The strange Pokémon that had identified itself as Mewtwo was nowhere to be found.
I made my way upstairs, only to find the landscape entirely changed. All of the previously abused and tortured Pokémon had been healed – their trials and tribulations had instead been paid back double on the criminals responsible for their situation – criminals who were now headless and occupying the cages previously resided in by the Pokémon. My Onix, apparently unharmed, was all too happy to see me. Through the hole in the wall I had made upon my entrance I heard the distant sound of sirens approaching.
I might not have gotten the story I came for, but I got one nevertheless. I looked up at my companion.
“Come on, man. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
