Once again, it's time to drop some knowledge like it's a 98-pound wimp who just looked at us funny!

And in honor of Duke Nukem Forever's 300-year development cycle finally coming to an end, we're throwing this extra-special ROUNDTABLE'D! over to the King himself. He's been brutally killing scumbags since before anyone playing Battlefield: Bad Company 2 was born, so we can all benefit from his accumulated wisdom. You got problems? Duke's got solutions!

"Dear Duke: I'm on a murder case, and I have two suspects in custody. I also have evidence linking both men to the crime scene. I can charge either one and send him to the gas chamber, but I'm not sure which one of them is guilty. Any advice you might have could be helpful."

- Cole Phelps, L.A. Noire
 

"Jesus Christ, what stick has you up its ass? Shoot 'em both in the face with a rocket launcher, and go lose your virginity."

- Duke
 

"Dear Duke: I'm an amnesiac witch who kills angels in order to find two mystical eyes, and while I carry an awful lot of guns, my magic attacks are performed with my hair. Which I also use as my clothing...and there's not always enough to go around. I'd rather not be reduced to shopping at Dress Barn. Whatever shall I do with myself?

- Bayonetta, Bayonetta

"Get a haircut, baby, and a plot somebody can understand. But I dig your six-inch 'shoot me' pumps. If those come in steel-tipped, get me a pair."

- Duke

"Dear Duke: I'm the result of a botched science experiment that turned me into a shape-shifting killing machine. But that's OK because I'm using my powers to get the bastards who did his to me. Only...I also eat people. I try to mostly eat bad people, but sometimes I'm in the middle of a fight and I need to heal up fast, so I just grab whoever's closest. But then I go kill more bad people. That's OK, right?

- Alex Mercer, Prototype 2

"Sure, what's wrong with that? Now stand right there so me and a .45 can shape-shift a bullet hole into your diseased little brain. Douche."

- Duke
 

"Duke! Do you know where I can find some sailors?"

- Ryu Hazuki, Shenmue

"Ever hear of something called 'the Navy?' Or 'a gay bar'?"

- Duke

"Dear Duke: I am the living embodiment of all that is evil, and I possess the power to conquer Hyrule and the lands beyond...but my plans are constantly thwarted by a puny hero in a green cap and tights. How might I remove this impediment?"

- Ganon, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

"I f***ing hate Robin Hood! Forget that ultimate evil s***...what you need is a really big gun and a 3-to-1 grenade-to-peasant ratio. Then you nuke Sherwood Forest."

- Duke

"Dear Duke: Got a bit of a situation here. The commies decided to invade Washington and got the upper hand on you Yanks, so I did the reasonable thing and fired a little Russian nuke at 'em. There's some who think I've gone too far, but I've already shot them in the head. Twice. Been a full day, so possibly there's someone I'm forgetting to kill. Any thoughts?"

- Captain Price, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

"If I felt emotion, I'd be crying tears of joy right now. Hell, so long as I don't have to pay your college tuition or change your diapers, you're promoted from illegitimate to semi-legitimate offspring. Which is weird, because usually I only f*** American."

- Duke