Editor's Note: Become a Mighty Pirate(TM) in five easy steps? I think I will! Brett, my payment is buried on a deserted island underneath the giant X. You'll know it when you see it. -Greg

Want to become a Mighty Pirate^TM like Guybrush Threepwood? You're in luck! Because I spent the past two nights unraveling Tales of Monkey Island: Launch of the Screaming Narwhal, the first episode of the new adventure game from Telltale Games and LucasArts, on my Wii. So gather close, mateys, and heed this old salt's advice.

1. Hoard

You may think that a pirate quests solely after booty, but that's not true. A Mighty Pirate^TM will snatch up anything that isn't nailed down. If something shiny on the ground catches your eye, pick it up. If someone has an item that you want, beg, bother, or trick them until it's yours (see also step 3). Mighty Pirates^TM are unabashedly the kleptomaniacs of the seafaring world. No matter how bizarre or seemingly useless the item, a pirate craves all: blocks of cheese, U-shaped tubes, Porcelain Power Pirates, etc.

Remember: A true pirate isn't worth his weight in grog until his pockets puff out like the cheeks of a chubby chipmunk and every step he takes sounds like the main floor of a Foley artists convention.

2. Channel Your Inner MacGyver

Remember that tiny plastic martini sword you picked up earlier? See that pile of Porcelain Power Pirates lying on the ground? If you're a Mighty Pirate^TM, then you'll be thinking this: "What would MacGyver do?"

You see, Mighty Pirates^TM carefully scrutinize all seven seasons of the television series MacGyver. Consequently, every collection of disparate objects -- say, a bomb, a puddle of grease, and a pair of underpants -- becomes a puzzle, one in which only one solution will prevail, even if other ones totally make logical sense.


3. Be Annoyingly Persistent

This tip may get you slapped with a restraining order on the mainland, but when sailing the high seas it behooves the Mighty Pirate^TM to talk to someone until they literally have nothing new to say to you -- even if you think you already have the answers. Such persistence may be the only way to gain crucial information or score a coveted object.

It's also far and away the best way to get a laugh. Humor, as every good pirate knows, is the swashbuckler's stock-in-trade. If you're in the process of rescuing your wife from the clutches of your undead voodoo archenemy, try asking her how she is, if she needs anything, or if perhaps she'd like a sandwich. Hilarity will ensue. Likewise, examine objects -- a rowboat, for example -- many times over for a rollicking good time.

4. Listen Carefully

This goes hand-in-hand with step 3. While you're giving every last denizen on a tropical island the third degree, make sure you pay attention to what they say. Daydream about kittens playing in a tissue box during an interrogation, and you may end up wandering aimlessly for 30 minutes until you're forced to consult a FAQ.

Additionally, Mighty Pirates^TM suffer from a strange affliction that causes them to stop in time for up to five seconds when they travel between locations. What happens to them during this period is unknown -- a Mighty Pirate^TM buries his secrets at the bottom of Davy Jones' locker. Some say that they enter an alternate dimension ruled by the letter R, and this is where they derive their peculiar language. Still others say that it is not the pirates who freeze up but the world itself, as they believe that this world has been created from two crappier worlds duct taped together.

Tales of Monkey Island: Launch of the Screaming Narwhal is out now on WiiWare. Chapter 2, The Siege of Spinner Cay, will be released soon.