Oh Kratos, you are the mythological Chuck Norris. You swipe your chained swords around and smash every bone, every face, and every life down to the Underworld to be tortured by being made to look at Hades’ ugly being and be on the receiving end of much abuse to do with his failed acupuncture (if you’ve played the game or have Google Images handy, you’ll see what I mean). Now, I haven’t actually played this game, per se, more watched walkthroughs of the games on YouTube, which is basically the same thing.

For those of us who have forgotten the story of God of War or if you’re a Xbox player, Kratos got screwed over by Ares in the first game, got screwed over by Zeus in the second game, and got screwed over again by Zeus in the third. Throughout all of the games, you must travel to various places, meeting gods and goddesses who you must do a favour for in order to progress in the story and SPOILER you pretty much kill all of them, because that is how Kratos rolls. I will probably focus on God of War 3 considering it is the prettiest IMO out of all the games and it was the last walkthrough I watched and so the one I can recall the most. So, let us proceed…

You may be thinking ‘why watch a walkthrough of this game, why not another?’ or ‘why aren’t you playing a real game?’. I chose GoW because it had been mentioned many times of the IGN Girlfight podcast and a friend of mine said it was pretty epic. I cannot play it because I don’t own a PS3 nor do I live near someone who has one and whom I can invade their house to play as Kratos, much to my annoyance and repeated teasing from said friend who has all the PS3 exclusive games that I want (I’m glaring at you, Emily). I’m glad I did choose Kratos because this game deserved the hype and exceeded my expectations; the opening scene of GoW 3 where Gaia is introducing us to Kratos is awesome and nothing that I can remember seeing before. The cutscenes are exquisite to look at, as if they were real. The people must have been motion-captured because the movements and facial expressions are positively human. I know it’s strange that I’m not my usual grumpasaurus but the graphics stunned me into silence. But enough of that. Moving on!

The controls looked simple enough; you got prompts during fights such as the square button appearing over an enemies head so you could kill them faster, during boss fights there was some quick time events (which I love FYI) and Kratos didn’t seem difficult to handle while walking around and jumping off stuff. I read in the comments section on YouTube that the first game or something had some bugs to do with the R1/R2 buttons but it didn’t make much difference. I liked the fact that you could just button mash your way through the fights and there wasn’t funny little combos because I mean, who really does those anyway? Who sits at home and memorises the sequence of buttons and tests out each one to see which does the most damage? No offence if you are one of these people but it just takes too much time for me.

I am one of those people who really gets into a story and I will allow a few bugs here, a few glitches there, if the story makes me feel part of it and I’m involved emotionally. I felt bad for Kratos right at the beginning when I was told he SPOILER (not much really considering the game came out in 2005, the warnings I give for you people) killed his wife and child (  ) because of Ares (Kratos was a war-hungry beast of a man but one day him and his army were outnumbered when facing some barbarians, just as Kratos was about to get his face smashed in, he pledged his life to Ares (the god of war) in order to save his life and kill the barbarians. Ares wanted to make Kratos the best warrior ever and so sneakily got Kratos to kill everyone inside a little temple place, including his family – Ares thought that Kratos’ family was holding him back because of the emotional attachment.

The oracle cursed Kratos and fusing the ashes of his family to his skin which is why he is so pale and is known as the ‘Ghost of Sparta’. Kratos gets all angry and wages war of Ares, eventually killing him at the end of the game and becoming the new God of War.) However, Kratos’ ‘I don’t care about none of y’all’ attitude gets kinda old by the last game and I found his way of getting what he wanted by smashing someone’s head in and then killing them a little unnecessary. Don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of violence, especially when Kratos rips Helios’ head off! If you don’t know that bit, go and YouTube it! Right now… Trust me, it’s so awesome! However if you are faint-hearted I am not responsible for any sickness or wooziness that you may feel.

Characters. I love ‘em. Kratos looks amazing and every character in GoW3 is designed to perfection but there are a couple of people I must point out: Hermes, Hephaestus, Gaia and Pandora.

Hermes. The first camp man ever to exist. And I love him. His hair is so bright, he runs so quick, he acts like a pansy. There is a fine line between finding him more annoying than a little kid repeating your name a thousand times while poking you, and finding him so amusing that you miss him after he dies and Kratos cuts of his legs. I’d be interested to know if anyone else loves this little man and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, please go on YouTube.

Hephaestus. Blacksmith of the Gods. Sent to the Underworld because he lied to Zeus about the key to Pandora’s box – Hephaestus created a box to keep all of the world’s evil inside, locked away, and created a key in the form of a girl, Pandora. Heph came to see the girl as his daughter and hid her away from Zeus. It was all fine and dandy until Kratos went to claim the Box from Pandora’ Palace and Zeus realised the deceit. Hephaestus is voiced by Rip Torn and they might have used too much of his likeness…

Gaia. Man, is she huge! A giant lady made of rock and covered in trees and vines and baddies. She helps Kratos out on a few occasions because, being a Titan, she doesn’t like the Gods and so will jump at the chance to fight them whenever she can. Hopefully she doesn’t actually jump because then there would be an earthquake. Something happens between Gaia and Kratos and instead of pulling her up the mountain, (I still don’t understand how a little guy like Kratos can fight and KILL huge monsters who’s lip is bigger than K’s whole body!) Kratos chops her left hand off and she falls :O  SPOILER she comes back later though right at the end, you fight Zeus in her (yes IN her, not in a dirty way though, I think you stab her heart) and then finally, once and for all, kill her. Kratos kills his only friend  Well, she did kinda betray him and try to kill him a little, and he still has Athena. Plus Pandora for a little while.

Speaking of which: Pandora. We generally don’t see Kratos as this loving father or husband which he is supposed to be, and the loss of his family is supposed to be the thing that completely changes his life and him as a person, which makes Pandora’s role quite important. Previously, Hephaestus tried to get Kratos to find Pandora by using the old ‘you were once a father, right?’ argument which obviously fails because … well … it’s Kratos. However, it turns out that Kratos has to find her anyway and she evokes this protective side of him when Pandora has to sacrifice herself to open the Box, to which Kratos objects while fighting Zeus (whoever said men can’t multi-task). Later on, Kratos finds himself in this crazy world of fear where everything is black, except his distinctive red tattoo/scar things. Pandora leads him through it by giving him hope, something which Kratos never had because he thought it was weak. This becomes prominent at the end when Athena gives this speech about what she put in Pandora’s Box (sounds kinda rude doesn’t it?). Pandora shows us that Kratos isn’t just about killing and death and being the biggest grumpasaurus who ever lived, he does have a fatherly side that shows through but a glimmer between curb stomping and decapitation. Overall, this is a truly remarkable game; it’s beautiful to look at, the story is great, the characters are varied and diverse, and the violence is epic! Everybody wins. Well, except all the people who die which is like, 98% of the people in these games…