Since everyone loves year end lists I figured I would get a jump on the competition by compiling my best of the year in July. It's unorthodox, I know--but over the past six months there have been an astounding number of great games released. Actually I would argue that the first half of this year actually outstrips entire years past. Better than 2004 definitely, and I wouldn't wipe my ass with 1995.
The categories will be completely arbitrary and not open for debate. They were chosen at random while drinking liquor and being bitter. I don't currently get down with the big "N", so you'll have to go elsewhere for glowing reviews of Mario Galaxy 2. All apologies for any insults real or imagined. So now that we've fed the lawyers raw meat, let's have at it!
BEST 9 HOUR QUICKTIME EVENT TO OPEN A VEIN WITH: Heavy Rain
You know that feeling you get when the person that makes your existence complete tears out your heart and does a Mexican hat dance around it? Welcome to Heavy Rain, friend. There have been arguments as to whether it is actually a "game" or not, and to those arguments I say: "Meh". Like it or not, Quantic Dream managed to make a phenomenally atmospheric experience few games have achieved in terms of pathos and palpable dread. It's like Morrisey and Robert Smith had a child, and someone shot it out of a cannon.
BEST DAY SPENT CONTROLLING AN UNREDEEMABLE PRICK: God of War 3
Feeling better yet Kratos? No? Well I'm sure there are other civilizations and billions of people you can destroy for the coffee being too hot at the drive-thru. Hang on, I've got Giovanni Ribisi's character from Avatar on the line--can you say "synergy"? Wait, wait, put the severed head down.
BEST GAME WITH THE WORST VOICE ACTING IN RECORDED HISTORY: Just Cause 2
Eidos strategy meeting: "Well guys, we've spent years of our lives and millions of dollars creating a massive, immersive world. Guns, vehicles, explosions, stunts--this game is going to be the greatest thing since Pong! So how much money do we have left for the voices? Really? That much huh....well....umm, isn't the Presbyterian Church down the street performing Our Town?"
BEST DERIVATIVE REHASH OF CLASSIC GAMES: Darksiders
I was with you as far as the boomerang--excuse me--crossblade, and Epona--sorry--Ruin, and the hookshot--damn, did it again--Abyssal Chain. But a gauntlet that makes a blue portal and an orange portal for you to warp around the level with? Dude, you're not even fucking trying!
BEST NON-ESCAPE FROM TWEEN MODERN WARFARE 2 PLAYERS: Battlefield: Bad Company 2
Joy! Finally I can play a squad-oriented, objective-based shooter with mature like-minded souls. Wait, why are there three snipers on my squad? Who names themself Dildo Teabaggins? Why is no one defusing the bomb? Who the hell is singing? GOD DAMN IT!
BEST GAME TO USE MURDER IN FRONT OF IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN AS A TUTORIAL: Splinter Cell: Conviction
Daddy, why did you mercilessly gun down two men in front of a three year old? Because it looked really cool? Well, I guess that's okay then.
BEST GAME TO GET SO UTTERLY DESTROYED ONLINE THAT YOU ACTUALLY CONSIDER QUITTING PLAYING AFTER 19 YEARS: Super Street Fighter 4
I don't even feel like describing the soul-crushing anguish of getting beaten like you stole something by someone who--simply by voice--is clearly so stoned they don't remember why there's a toilet in the bathroom.
BEST THIRTY HOURS SPENT ADVANCING NO PLOT WHATSOEVER: Mass Effect 2
Okay, so we've finally recruited everyone we need to defeat the hoary intergalactic menace? THE END
