Reports are coming in from all over the country about PC gamers who are still surprised that they received a less-than-perfect port of a first-person shooter. They've taken to message boards and blogs the Internet wide to babble wildly about encrypted .ini files, frames-per-second governors, and other things I don't understand.

"What is this shaft, and why is it always inside me?" asked a confused man clasping a mouse and keyboard after installing Bulletstorm to his top-of-the-line PC. "I've seen it before, but I'd much rather it just leave me alone."

Paramedics are busy, but seem to be accustomed to removing the long, pole-like objects from people who can't quit Windows. "Yeah, we're used to this," said one EMT. "We've been performing simple surgeries like this since Call of Duty 2 led on the Xbox 360."

As hard as it's been for these proud old timers, the denial serves as an important defense mechanism against an antagonizing new generation of console gamers.

"These pussies need to stop whining and get the sand outta their vaginas," said Xbox Live user xXFaC3BlaZ3r420Xx, age 8.

Speaking to a psychologist, I discovered that this denial will lead to seven total stages. "Stages two through five aren't really quote-worthy or sensational enough for a news outlet like yours, but stage six is when they all turn into rapists," said Dr.Notajok. "Then, in stage seven, they go to prison."

Hopefully, maximum-security prison will have a Genesis -- or something -- in gen pop to help rehabilitate these poor bastards. Meanwhile, the industry moves on.