Congratulations! You're reading the first ever issue of The Game Inquisitor, which means you want more truth in your game journalism. Tired of being lied to? Of course you are. When Nintendo released Wii Music, we were the only outlet to (correctly) report that Miyamoto's pact with the devil had expired and he was forced to rely on his own ideas. In an effort to help spread out the truth around the Internet, we've developed these issues for sites like Bitmob to enjoy.
Table of Contents:
Denis Dyack Reveals He's an Alien, No One Surprised... pg. 1
Brutally Realistic Paperboy Reboot in the Works... pg. 2
President Obama Banishes Games to Hell... pg. 3
Advertising... pg. 4
'Six Days in Fallujah' Developer Details Torture Mini-Game, Confident They'll Find Publisher... pg. 5
Denis Dyack Reveals He's an Alien, No One Surprised
By Travis McReynolds
Earlier this afternoon, a man with a misspelled first name and made-up last name, Denis Dyack, confirmed what everyone in the video game industry already knew. Dyack is an alien. Speaking on the subject, Dyack remarked, “It’s true, I’m an alien from outer-space. Silicon Knights isn’t just the name of my development company, but also the name of my Andromedan Space Navy regiment. Not to brag or anything, but it’s the best Space Navy regiment ever; so good, in fact, that we’ve changed the face of Space Navy regiments across the galaxy.”
Long-time friend and co-worker, Steve Henifin, explained, “I always knew Denis was weird, but I thought maybe he was just foreign or something. Nope: alien. In retrospect, it makes a lot of sense.”
Expanding on his now infamous comments regarding NeoGAF, Dyack said, “When I spoke about the lack of reciprocity on Internet forums and how that lack would eventually lead to their downfall, that wasn’t idle speculation- it was a threat. Me and my freaky alien Silicon Knights are going to kill a bunch of racist kids. Then, I’m going to make a game about it in which the Start and Select buttons are the only way to attack. Maybe you haven’t heard, but I’m both an alien and a visionary.”
Dyack went on to remind the members of the press in attendance that he was responsible for Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem, the 2002 winner of IGN’s Most Apt Sub-Title award. He was still bragging about the game as I and several other reporters filed out of the conference room. I know that sounds awkward, but this isn’t the first, second, or even third time I’ve walked away from Dyack’s boasts.
When reached for comment, fellow loud-mouth Peter Molyneux had this to say, “An alien? I’ll be damned; I knew he was an asshole, but… I hate ego-maniacs.”
What will this news mean for the Too Human trilogy? Could the next two games possibly be worst than the first? The Game Inquisitor will bring you more on this story as it develops.
