Editor’s note: When I was younger, "children's games" never earned a spot in my collection simply because they were usually poorly executed. I suspect those experiences have carried over with journalists reviewing games today. And I fear that I won't have the same patience as Matthew to sit through Bakugan with my own son when he's older. I can only hope to instill a decent sense of taste.... -Rob

When I read reviews that are meant for a younger mindset, I cringe. No matter how many times the reviewer says that he’s doing so with respect to the game’s audience, you can tell that just isn’t true. I don’t know whether it’s because reviewers can’t think like a 9-year-old or that they’re just afraid of losing their “hardcore” cred in whatever culture they wrap themselves, but they miss the point every time.

Want to know how to review a game with adorable woodland creatures sporting googly eyes or whatever flavor-of-the-week cartoon character happens to be the current fad? You play the game with a kid.

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This week on Hit or Miss: Nintendo announces some release dates or something (is that a big deal?); Doritos tries to convince us that lending their brand to a "Pro-Gamer Combine" can make the idea of a "Pro-Gamer Combine" not-absurd; Tecmo tries to convince us any pornographic undertones in Dead or Alive: Paradise were totally "unintentional" (large, obvious wink); and Electronic Arts suggests the new Medal of Honor may -- gasp! -- actually be a thoughtful and empathetic examination of real-life combat in a big-budget shooter.

Where the hell do they get off, right?

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We've seen some amazing BioShock artwork and cosplay, but nothing says "I love Bioshock" like taking a chainsaw and carving a Big Daddy out of a tree. Something about the dedication Jason (hockey mask -- get it?) gives making this statue is equally inspiring and disturbing. [via Geekologie]:

Unless he gets paid for sculpturing wood, this guy is wasting his time in whatever profession he is currently employed in. History Channel's Ax Men needs to swoop down and sign this guy up immediately!

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Look alive, private! The week's over and we're buggin' out. You know what that means? That's right -- the Bitmob Reviews Spotlight!

Kevin Zhang-Xing steps front and center like a good soldier with his review of Aliens vs. Predator 2. What's the game like? FUBAR! The online servers are offline, the graphics are old, and the game's no longer scary. But how's the nostalgia factor? Scroll down to find out, son.

Thomas Johnson chimes in with another celebrated rivalry. But instead of predatory aliens battling it out, it's Plants vs. Zombies!

Have you ever been bullied in the past? I bet you have, you nerd! Well, now's your chance to get back at the high school jocks who tortured you, because in Bully, you play as one. Richard Moss fills us in.

According to Alex Martin, Kana: Little Sister will blow you mind. Short of being trippy, the Japanese visual novel follows a young girl who is hospitalized for renal failure. Sounds weird, doesn't it?

Lastly, Ben Maltz-Jones shares his opinions on Comet Crash, a downloadable game available on the PlayStation Network.

So square yourselves, gear up, and get to the choppa -- you're now entering the Spotlight!

Aliens vs. Predator 2 - 9 Years Later
By Kevin Zhang-Xing
Almost a decade has passed since most of us last occupied the blood-soaked boots of Corporal Harrison. Without a functional multiplayer component or the same graphical awe, how does Aliens vs. Predator 2 fare after so many years?

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It's about damn time!

At the time of this writing, 3,617 people are currently online with the new Battle.net and playing Starcraft 2. While Blizzard hasn't commented on the total number of beta participants, I can safely say that -- when compared with the 11 million who bought the original -- the total isn't too high.

Without question, Starcraft remains one of the best and most important video games ever developed. At the time of its 1997 release, the real-time strategy genre found itself in a rut. After raising the bar for strategy games everywhere, Blizzard established a cultural phenomenon which only World of Warcraft's rivals.

And so, Starcraft 2's innovative currency remains in doubt: How can it ever live up to its predecessor?

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Having this fancy new article editor has doubled the number of posts I've seen in the Mobfeed compared to recent months. Glad to see so many people are taking advantage of this opportunity and cranking out intriguing stories.

Jeremy Sigor starts with his stance on Darwinia+, and how developers could learn a thing or two about porting RTS games from PC to console based on Darwinia's XBLA release. Next, B.J. Saricks is fed up with 1-10 review systems that refuse to accept five as their average score. It's in the middle, what's the problem?

Fred Olson II finds comfort in assuming a decisive role in games, finding the ability to make world-changing decisions and to do the right thing in situations empowering. Finally, Chas Guidry tackles the latest news on a remake of Final Fantasy 7, and why an HD version of the game may not be the best option.

Three Simple Ways Darwinia+ Teaches Us How RTS Games Can Work on Consoles
By Jeremy Sigor
Fans of the strategy game Darwinia were concerned at how it would fair when ported to Xbox Live. While many RTS titles don't stand up when brought over to consoles, Jeremy feels Darwinia+ not only works, but sets the bar for future games making the jump between platforms.

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So you want to waste time at work, eh? How about a game with rainbows, fairies, and a unicorn hoofing it to an Erasure song, so as to maximize the potential embarrassment should you be caught pink-handed?

The Canabalt-inspired Robot Unicorn Attack is just such an item, a highly addictive, free Flash game from Adult Swim that will keep you busy when you should be reading over those hot spreadsheets [via Geekologie]:

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Editor's Note: I've honestly never understood the appeal of achievements. With so many people seemingly addicted to them, this vision of the future terrifies me. - Jay

About a month ago I decided to start taking the steps, instead of the elevator, to reach my third story office every morning and today -- when I reached the top -- my phone dinged. I checked the message as I sat down in my cozy office chair and read "Life Achievement Unlocked - Stair A Habit - 400 Points." I clicked on the message to check the info, and it explained that I earned the achievement for taking the stairs to my office 30 days in a row. 

That evening on the drive home, I received another ding, and I checked it while cruising down I-70. It read: "Life Achievement Unlocked - Cautious Driver - 100 Points." This time, the details explained that I drove at or under the speed limit for 10 miles straight. 

At home I received an email explaining all the opportunities I missed to earn more "Life Achievements." I lost 50 points by not waiting until the car was stopped to check my message on the drive home. The message also said I was placed on my Family, Local, and Nationwide leaderboards, and it gave me a rundown of the "Achievements" that other people in my network earned. My wife was barely beating me, little Jeffrey earned 100 points for getting an A on his math test, and little Stephanie earned 150 points for practicing her dance routine after school. 

At this point I am used to my wife having a higher score than me. It doesn't really bother me because, if I can get my entire family up to a collective 10,000 points this month, we will get a discount on our insurance plan. 

Obviously, this is not my life, but it could be according to Shoe's recent post: The Future of Everything.

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The only thing I remember about Postal the game was the ability to pee on anything. That sounds like great material for a movie:

Uwe Boll is the king of bad game movies, but Postal isn't as much fun to watch as his other atrocities. This time, Uwe Boll is in on the joke, and he's constantly winking at the audience. He's even in the movie playing himself.

There are a lot of attempts at controversy, including an opening scene that tries to shed a comedic light on 9/11, and a scene were children are murdered by automatic weapons. It comes across as desperate. Still, the biggest offense is that this supposed comedy elicits few laughs.

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Between the Penny Arcade comic and the Der Untergang parody, the recent news of Ubisoft's digital rights management scheme has made its way around the Internet quite a few times.

Many cite the new DRM as an equal, measured response to the insultingly common practice of piracy and have sided with the publisher. I imagine most of those people have stable Internet connections. But what about people who don't have a pervasive, easily-accessed connection? What about the South African teen, the Costa Rican university student, or even the American soldier?

Gaming on a besieged military base is hard enough. But compound your daily fear of incoming mortar rounds with equally frightening DRM, and suddenly, your day is considerably less fun than you had anticipated.

I'm talking, of course, about the anonymous U.S. soldier who recently gave his two cents on the subject. The deployed soldier claimed that his past experiences with DRM ranged from "annoying to unforgivable." In his Iraqi forward base, Internet connectivity is decidedly expensive and erratic -- the soldier pays $150 a month for a 192k connection.

Iraq isn't the only place you'll find concerned gamers. Whether you're in rural Kenya or the university district of Moscow, you're sure to find people who buy and play video games.  Yet, regardless of the legitimacy of their purchase, Ubisoft has boldly declared that they can't play Assassin's Creed 2, Splinter Cell: Conviction, and every other Ubi-published title.

I hate piracy as much as the Ubisoft executives do -- but this isn't the answer. Until we live in a thoroughly and and reliably connected world, we must continue to search for creative resolutions to this issue. As usual, we welcome all of your thoughts and opinions on the subject [Ars Technica via GamePolitics].

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We finally get to kick ass in ancient Greece, sans whatever type of  proto-bubblegum they had back in those days.

News Blips:

The demo for God of War 3 is now available on the PlayStation Network. The download contains the same content showcased at last year's E3, to remind players just what all the fuss is about. Don't forget to stop and "assist" any suggestive-looking ladies on the way to CHAOS. [PlayStation Blog]

Bungie: not making PlayStation 3 games (at least not yet). While the team is busy working on the upcoming Halo: Reach, community manager Brian Jarrard says that the decision to go forward with any potential PS3 titles is "undefined right now." I'd love to see a Metal Gear Solid remake with Master Chief somehow shoehorned into the zany plot, but they probably aren't taking suggestions. [CVG]

Blizzard opposes account sharing during the Starcraft 2 beta test. While the punishment doesn't necessarily involve a permanent ban, community manager Stefanie Gwinner reminds testers that "sharing your account is not allowed." [Inc Gamers]

At a press event held yesterday, Nintendo VP of Sales and Marketing Cammie Dunaway said that she doesn't expect a successor to the Wii "anytime soon." While the Wii currently sits in more households than the PlayStation 2 did at the same point in its life cycle, Dunaway is confident of finding "a big audience out there that [they] can access with Wii." You're not fooling me, Dunaway: I know world-domination plans when I see them. [GameSpot]

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Combining my love of retro games with this edition of the Game Club results in a strange jumble of slightly aged to almost completely forgotten games for you to choose from. You'll be asked to spend a little cash this time around, but the games I've chosen can be purchased for $7 or less at a decent resale shop or online.

Without further ado, here are the games in the running for the fifth edition of the Bitmob Game Club.

E.V.O.: Search For Eden: The premiere game focusing on evolution. You start off as a fish in a dangerous ocean and adapt to your surroundings by taking on the characteristics of the enemies you defeat.  This was originally released on the Super Nintendo and published by Enix.

Fallout: I've had a copy of the original Fallout sitting on my desktop for ages but never had a good reason to boot it up. If you love Fallout or have never played the original, this game just begs for a proper run-through.

Mark of Kri: If you've longed to play a cartoonish button-masher influenced by Polynesian culture and art, then this is the game for you. Now lost to the budget bins of pretty much every game store on the planet, Mark of Kri was met with several favorable reviews when it launched early in the PlayStation 2's life.

Okage: Shadow King: For years I overlooked this game, dismissing it as simply childish. You assume the role of the unfortunate human host of an aggressive and loud shadow claiming to be a fearsome demon king. He commands you to help him reassemble his true form, but like any  role-playing game, you find something darker happening in your world and must put an end to it before appeasing your parasitic shadow. Okage is also for the PS2, and surprisingly disturbing in places, contrary to the box art.

I wanted to do something different with the Game Club, and this is certainly a departure from web games and Braid. Participation hinges on your ability to procure a copy of the chosen game, but that shouldn't be too difficult. If you are interested in participating, say so in the comments below or email me at jasmine[dot]rea[at]bitmob[dot]com.

Also, please vote on which game we should play in the comments. The more discussion we can strike up, the better.

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Little Sisters are creepy. We can all agree on that. But what about a grown person in a Little Sister costume? Yep, it’s still very creepy [via PlayStation University]:

This is what I imagine Alice looks like in Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland movie. Also, I love that she went to an aquarium dressed like that. I'm surprised they let her in with that giant needle thing. She must have told them it was for science or something.

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Editor's note: Although Borderlands was one of my favorite games of last year, I haven't tried any of the DLC yet, partly due to developer Gearbox's sub-par PC support and glacier-inspired approach to bug fixing. According to Michael, I can skip Mad Moxxi. But that General Knoxx trailer looks kind of amazing. I may need to re-up. -Demian

Dear Gearbox Software,

I want to start off by saying congratulations on the release of the latest Borderlands DLC, The Secret Armory of General Knoxx. I’ve been following the coverage, and so far, I’m impressed. From new vehicles and enemy types, to a raised level cap and even more ridiculous guns, General Knoxx looks extremely promising.

However, I should note that I was one of the people who bought Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot on day one, and the coverage on that expansion looked compelling as well. It’s a little late to say this, considering General Knoxx is complete, but I wanted you to know how important this DLC is to the fans, and how thin the ice you’re walking on may be.

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Let's hope this General Knoxx thing turns out better than Mad Moxxi....

Video Blips:

• Those Geabox guys sure know how to make a trailer. I have no idea what that narrator lady was even talking about in this Borderlands: The Secret Armory of General Knoxx DLC teaser, but I am in. [GameVideos]

Continue after the break for an iPhone-ified Street Fighter 4, a Metal Gear: Arcade trailer, a peak at some of the more cunning moves in Red Steel 2, and a preview of the new Army of Two: The 40th Day DLC.

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Here's a word search with a twist. It would be far too easy if I just gave you a list of words to find, so I'm giving you clues instead. Once you figure out the answers, see if you can find them in the word search puzzle. Or, if you're feeling particularly masochistic, find the answers in the word search first and then match them to the appropriate clues. Good luck!

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We all love Mass Effect 2, right? 

It's considered by many to be one of the greatest role-playing games the western hemisphere has ever produced. Its exhaustive, detailed galaxy, convincing character portrayals, and improved combat system unified to create an absolutely invigorating experience. 

But Bioware's space opera isn't without its flaws. The most commonly mentioned issue is the mining system. If you haven't played the game, Mass Effect 2 forces the player to scan, probe, and mine unexplored planets in the hopes of gathering minerals and discovering anomalies. While the mechanic serves a purpose in the lore and game progression, its tedious as hell. Beyond ironically probing Uranus, there is very little to make the mining more tolerable.

Kabuto the Python sought to liven up the proceedings by writing a song, entitled "Those Minerals." Sonically superior to the in-game track, Kabuto's rap faithfully articulates what it's like to be a space-faring gangsta.

Click here to listen.

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Editor's note: Derek has volunteered to get the ball rolling on something many of you have been clamoring for: an East Coast meet-up! I'll be at PAX East in Boston with fellow staff member James DeRosa and my Pixel Revolt co-hosts Derek and Jeff Grubb. We want to meet all of you, so come join us, won't you? -Brett

East Coast Bitmobbers unite!

With the March 26 beginning of PAX East rapidly approaching, I've decided to take point in planning out the very first East Coast Bitmob meet-up. I don't have much of a plan just yet, but that's where all of you come in. After I get a better idea of who's coming -- more specifically, the ages of people coming -- I can start hammering out the details.

So if you're coming to PAX East, let me know in the comments. Do you want to meet in the daytime or at night? Are you of legal drinking age? Do you know any great locations around the convention center to host the gathering?

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Editor's note: Davneet worries that attending an online friend's wedding will reveal them to be incompatible as "real life" friends. He has a point: I've made online friends who turned out to be vastly different in person. What are your experiences with merging real and virtual worlds? -Brett

December 18, 2010. That's the day my friend is getting married. He's invited me to the wedding, but I don't know if I want to go because, well, I don't really know if we are friends.

I certainly like him -- we share similar tastes in movies, books, and video games. We have similar senses of humor, and we talk on a daily basis. I've known him for almost two years, but I've never actually met him. We've never attended a happy hour, waited in line for a midnight movie opening, hung out at the local pool hall, or played basketball together -- any of the things that I do with my "real" friends -- because he lives over 1,000 miles away.

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