Hit or Miss Weekend Recap: December 6, 2009

This week on Hit or Miss: Mass Effect 2 is ruined by the obscenity of disc-swapping; The Saboteur finally solves the bedeviling crisis of the used games market; United States courts of law are revealed to be the PokeBall of famous people; and Electronic Arts may or may not be honoring a real solider in the new Medal of Honor, and this soldier may or may not know it.

Maybe.

Mass Effect 2 Will Make You Get Up From Your Chair at Least Once

In what many are already calling the most bullshit news of 2009, BioWare has revealed that Mass Effect 2 will join the infamous rank of annoying games that come on more than one disc.

"Even though there is a disc swap, it occurs at a carefully planned place in the game (that does not interfere with gameplay) and is done once. You do not swap back and forth. 1 swap and then done," explained BioWare community coordinator Chris Priestly, in an overcompensating manner revealing he knows just how much bullshit this is.

Anger from lazy and irrational gamers is already spreading. "Dude, this is total bullshit," remarked concerned lazy gamer Franky Mackelrod. "You're telling me that at around, say, hour 25 of what will probably be a 40-plus hour game, I'm going to have to open my disc tray? Do you even know how much goes into that? I have to get up. I have to get up out of my chair, walk like three... three to five steps. This is total bullshit."

Experts are already saying this is the biggest instance of bullshit disc swapping since 2001's Fear Effect 2: Double Helix -- a game that lasted about 10 hours -- was released on four discs. "I don't want to talk about it," a still shell-shocked Mackelrod said. "That game nearly killed me."

The Saboteur's Secret Weapon to Sabotage Used Games: Nudity

For years the industry has desperately sought the means to end used game sales, and now Electronic Arts and Pandemic have found the answer: Nudity. This is an idea so brilliant I'm surprised it took this long for someone think it up.

The strategy is nothing new, as a lot of recent games (see: Forza 3 and Dragon Age) are using the lure of free downloadable content in new copies to draw buyers away from used games. The genius of The Saboteur's DLC, however, lies in the simple realization that the one thing most guys will happily pay extra for is guaranteed nudity. You can witness this truism in the existence of strip clubs, porn shops, premium cable channels, and the entire box office take of Swordfish.

Let me explain to you exactly how this stratagem will work at your local GameStop.

Customer: "Hey, do you guys have a new copy of The Saboteur?"

Employee: "We sure do. Would you like to buy it used instead? It's $4 cheaper, or $5 if you have our discount card!"

Customer: "Does the used version come with the nudie code?"

Employee: "Unfortunately no, sir."

[Customer pays for his new copy and spits in the employee's face.]

Eric Estavillo Must Be Stopped

Apparently all you need to do to meet a famous person is file a frivolous lawsuit and subpoena them under flimsy, laughable pretext. Or, at least, that's what the maniac Erik Estavillo must think.

Well I dunno if he's actually a maniac (please don't sue me, alleged litigious maniac), but his actions speak for themselves. First he subpoenaed Winona Ryder and Depeche Mode founder Martin Lee Gore (seriously, Depeche Mode founder Martin Lee Gore) in a lawsuit that's insanely about World of Warcraft. Now he's summoned Microsoft Chairman and Secret Dragoon Warrior Bill Gates to appear in a court of law to dance the robot for his amusement, or some such ridiculous demand.

I mean seriously, Martin Lee Gore and Winona Ryder? How random could you possibly get? And what could they possibly have to do with your beef against WoW, Estavillo?

Gore was subpoenaed because "he himself has been known to be sad, lonely, and alienated as can be seen in the songs he writes," and Ryder because of her and Estavillo's common interest in the J.D. Salinger book The Catcher in the Rye. Ryder would be able to, "explain the significance of alienation in Catcher in the Rye and will also testify to how alienation in the book can tie to alienation in real life/video games such as World of Warcraft."

Oh. Well... geez. This was funny at first, but now I just feel bad for this damaged weirdo. Also, I'm now thinking Estavillo might have a case here. If filing lawsuits like this is what obsessively playing World of Warcraft does to you, this game is a frickin' menace.

EA Maybe Based the New Medal of Honor on a Real Soldier

Meet "Cowboy" (below). He's the man the Medal of Honor reboot may be about, and I say "may" because no one actually knows. It only became clear this might be the case after people noticed the figure in the initial promotional image bared a striking resemblance to this real-life Special Forces soldier who fought in Afghanistan, and EA hasn't clarified the connection yet (images of "Cowboy" via LIFE Magazine).

So this one temporarily goes into the rare Hiss category, because I'm pretty sure this can only possibly turn out to be completely amazing or a gigantic PR nightmare. Allow me to cover my bases.

Scenario One: I applaud EA for making what I've wanted to see out of a big-budget war shooter for a long time: A game that actually looks at the lives of soldiers in a serious, respectful, and above all, non-romanticized way. This could both prove the artistic worth of the video game medium and make great business sense as well. Call of Duty increasingly has the Michael Bay crowd covered, leaving a void for the gaming equivalent of Generation Kill or The Hurt Locker (as I've longed for in a past column).

And with President Obama's recent decision to deploy an additional 30,000 troops to the nine-year-old war in Afghanistan, the timing couldn't be more unsettlingly perfect for a sober, unflinching look at what it means for the men and women sent to fight. Kudos to you, EA, for making it happen.

Scenario Two: For cripes sake, EA, you exploited the image of a real soldier for your game that has nothing to do with him and didn't tell anyone? What the fuck is wrong with you? Damn.

Above: EA CEO John Riccitiello ponders
just how long he could grow out his beard.

(7)

Roberto Flores

December 06, 2009

"Our goal is to give people that insight of what it's like to be a Marine during that event, what it's like to be a civilian in the city, and what it's like to be an insurgent."

I just read that in your Hit or Miss about "Six Days in Fallujah." So I hope the Hiss on Medal of Honor really, really turns out to be a Hit, altough, being EA, I highly doubt it.

I had never heard about "Six Days in Fallujah" before. I actually got excited at the mere thought of a group of the developers going out on a limb and making a game like that. Too bad Konami whimped out.

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Bryan Harper

The disc swap spot was fucking hilarious. I spit applesauce into my keyboard, so thanks for that.

Kevin Zhang-xing

I seem to be the only person who looks forward to a game with so many discs, especially in this day and age. By showing that you've filled multiple discs, you show that there is so much content that it requires more than one disc to manage. The fact that the first Mass Effect was so long makes it even more impressive that they made it even longer. Knowing that it will be just about the same quality RPG with even more length is pretty awesome. That's no BS.

Medal of Honor was once a great and original FPS that was a trendsetter, not a follower. From that one screenshot of the Modern Warfare'd Medal of Honor, and I was like "Bushy Beard gunner in Modern War times? LAME." I mean, I can't imagine being able to play as the scruffy beard gunner who goes around shooting people and saving the world, it's just not the acceptable hero beard size.

Travis McReynolds

Awesome, Kris. I remember the old PS1 days when just about every RPG came with 4 discs. Memories.
I'm a little surprised you didn't bring in XBL pets. That shit is a goldmine!

Jason Wilson

I like disc-swapping. People who don't are just silly. It's more game for your buck.

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Michael Bradley

30,000 troops my ass. Send 500,000+ troops into the mountains of afghanistan and kill those terrorist bastards. It's time to shit or get off the pot.

Kris Pigna

@Roberto: I'm right there with you on "Six Days in Fallujah." The concept sounded sketchy, but still interesting enough to me to see where they took it and what they could have done with it. It's a shame frightened publishers meant their funding got pulled before anyone could even get a hint of how the game would have turned out.

I'm hoping the this new Medal of Honor does go more in that direction, and at least so far the indications are positive. Still no idea what "Cowboy" will have to do with it, but comments from the executive producer have me hopeful: "When we first set out to reinvent Medal of Honor, we wanted to stay true to its roots of authenticity and respect for the soldier but bring it into today's war."

@Travis: D'oh, I forgot about XBL pets! Seriously. When I read that story earlier in the week last week, I was like, "MENTAL NOTE." Then I guess it slipped my mind after all this other weirdness popped up. :P