Bitmob Staff: I intercepted this article on the morning of May 5, 2010. It contains confidential information, and we should remove it immediately. Please ensure that you do not mix up the "Delete Article" and "Promote to Front Page" buttons, which are inconveniently located next to each other. If this gets out, God help us all. -Andrew
Do you know the name cofounders Dan "Shoe" Hsu and Demian Linn had originally selected for Bitmob? Do you know why Shoe started a community website? Do you know whose stage name is "Female Gambit"?
On May 5, the one year anniversary of Bitmob, a research team led by Alex R. Cronk-Young dug up the real facts behind the site. They went after the dirt -- the stuff that Shoe and Demian have tried to hide for a year. The team reported their findings on Twitter using the tag #BitmobFacts.
This is what they discovered.
Alex R. Cronk-Young -- @acronkyoung
-- True story: Bitmob launched on Cinco de Mayo because it was the only day Dan Hsu would remember.
-- Bitmob is planning on creating a mascot. It is an ostrich that eats snow cones. Also, it has lots of attitude.
-- Bitmob Editor Greg Ford isn't at school. The staff wanted him to lay low for a while so they wouldn't be associated with bankruptcy.
-- Dan Hsu and Demian Linn don't actually exist. They are just personae Jason Wilson uses to write with.
-- Those weren't really American Apparel ads; Demian Linn just needed an excuse to photograph a bunch of girls in his apartment.
-- In a drunken haze, Demian once admitted to Toby Davis, Bitmob moderator, that he secretly loved South Park for the Nintendo 64. Toby will never let him forget it.
-- Use of the title "community manager" is Andrew Hiscock's cute way of saying he's going to kill us.
-- Rob Savillo, Bitmob editor, only writes about X-Com and Demon's Souls because he is actually 7 years old, and those are the only games his mom bought him.
-- Chris Davidson and Travis McReynolds are actually just split personalities of Andrew Hiscock, the funniest man in the world.
-- Bitmob was only created to help recruit new soldiers in the Great but Also Secret Video Game Website Wars. IGN and Gamespot had gained the upper hand, but then Giant Bomb killed Crispy Gamer (too soon), and 1UP began bleeding out (long enough), so Dan Hsu began a site that would allow a mass amount of soldiers to overpower the powerhouse sites with sheer numbers instead of talent.
-- Brian Shirk actually ghostwrites for every single Bitmob community member.
-- Mark T. Whitney is also a robot, but as Brian Shirk got the "quality and quantity" chip, Whitney got the "quality and be ignored" chip.
-- Andrew Hiscock thinks he's hilarious, but he always forgets that people from real countries don't get moose, hockey, or syrup references.
-- Jasmine Maleficent Rea has killed people for mistaking "then" and "than," and she'll do it again.
-- Demian Linn started a podcast for Bitmob with Ryan Scott, Gamespy executive editor, and Ray Barnholt, 1UP editor, but the test episode was just two hours of silence.
-- Chris Davidson is the third Bitmob community member that is actually a robot. The problem is, he is Bender from Futurama.
-- Besides the Mobcast and Pixel Revolt, Bitmob has a supersecret third podcast that only contains the sound of Bitmob Editor Michael Donahoe cooking.
-- Robert Ashley was bombarded by calls from needy Christians after being called the voice of God on the Mobcast.
-- It has been scientifically shown that posting on Bitmob will increase the size of your family.
-- Forty-two percent of Bitmobbers have a mancrush on either 8-4 Executive Director Mark MacDonald or Bitmob Editor James DeRosa.
-- The name Bitmob comes from an ancient papyrus Demian Linn found while searching for the elixir of life.
-- Bitmob 2.0 will end world hunger and poverty.
-- Dan Hsu will run for and win the presidency in 2021. Jason Wilson will close all schools, claiming they promote bad grammar.
-- The writer persona only known as "Mi" is really me channeling my thoughts through Jeffrey Sandlin.
-- Alex Cronk-Young gets most of his posts by hacking into other Bitmobbers' computers and stealing their work.
-- Any conversation with a Bitmobber likely degrades into penis jokes within an hour.
(Read on for more facts!)
